How to stop an argument

Most arguments are really about control. Specific issues change but the propensity to fight with someone usually means you're not happy with where you sit on the social hierarchy with them. A lazy husband finds an angry wife. A lazy wife finds an angry husband. It is their respective position relative to each other - their respective status - and what they feel it accords them, that can be the source of frustration.

You go to a hotel. Check in, and go to your room. It has been a long trip. Shortly after you lay down on the bed, a jackhammer begins to pound the street outside your window. Metal on concrete. You are frustrated. Your expectation, fueled by your vehicle of status - the money you paid for the room you were to enjoy - has been dashed against the incessant sound coming through the window. You deserve to rest, you paid for the room - and yet the jackhammer continues to pound. You feel frustration.

Frustration is a natural side effect of living in a large social community. It happens in varying stages and degrees. But when you choose to share your life with someone, it can take on a new meaning. If you are arguing with someone you love, then its usually a power struggle. Of some kind.

What often gets lost in these struggles - is the chance for a couple to actually communicate. You must state to your partner that you value what he or she says. Sit down, and tell them that you want to hear what they have to say. But. Make it equal.

Adopt a "30 second rule". Whatever you need to say, please express yourself. You have a limited time. If you want to throw it away on backbiting, and sniping - go ahead. If, on the other hand, you want to persuade - you can also use that time to make a compelling case. You know that at the end of that time, you must be silent, and listen to the other person. The same rule applies to them. For no reason whatsoever, is this rule allowed to be broken.

Why scream at someone, if you know they are going to sit down and listen to you, and not interrupt you? Eventually the other person will calm down and express the key thing that they need to get over to you and you can deal with it.

Not every argument is going to end well. Most arguments can be stopped using the trick I wrote about up there. Some require a diffent kind of technique - if you are going down a mountain on a mountain bike you need to look ahead at the trail. The path changes every time.