Market Debacle! NYSE:HLCO Collapses in After Hours Trading!

byline: Larry Harvey

Reports of a breakdown in talks between Burning Man and HELCO have sent shock waves through world financial markets. HELCO stock, valued at $10,000 per share at the end of yesterdays trading on the New York, Tokyo, and Black Rock exchanges, has plunged to a minus value. Many investors, caught in panic selling, have leapt to their deaths. Danger Ranger has issued a community advisory directing all playa participants to stay clear of the towers at Central Camp.The long expected acquisition of Burning Man by HELCO began to unravel on Saturday night when several thousand playa activists stormed a HELCO stockholders meeting conducted in downtown Black Rock City. Chanting, “Hell Co! Hell No!” the angry mob overturned Satan’s throne, sending HELCO’s board of directors scurrying for cover. The outraged participants proceeded to storm Hell’s Gate. In the ensuing confusion, the City of Dis — Satan’s Citadel — was destroyed, and HELCO Tower, world headquarters of the supranational conglomerate, was burned to the ground. Property damage totals in the billions. There are no reports of injuries.As a result of Saturday’s turmoil, the acquisition of Burning Man by HELCO has been canceled and merger talks with Heaven, scheduled to take place later this year, have been indefinitely postponed. The Archangel Gabriel, Heaven’s chief negotiator, was unavailable for comment. Sources report, however, that Heaven’s higher-ups, alarmed by yesterday’s disturbance, fear a public relations backlash.

“This is only a beginning!” vowed Bishop Joey, a leading Burning Man dissident. Clad only in a soiled burnouse, the disheveled firebrand spoke to a scattered group of supporters early this morning. “Tonight we will celebrate!” he stated, “Tomorrow we will take this fight straight back to the heart of corporate America!” As of this writing, however, it appears that Hell itself will survive the demise of its parent company. HELCO has collapsed into a morass of insolvency, but Hell, enriched by a bumper crop of suicides, seems likely to remain with all of us for a very long time.