FlaccidMan

In Tybee Island, South Carolina - home of the famous "coney winds" , a new marathon/ run/ bike/ swim called 'Flaccidman' is born. Its a rigorous event that tests the very nature of a man to turn soft at just the right time.

Here's how the three part event will run. First, a rigorous dunk in the bathtub. Using all of your swimming and aquatic skill, you have to be able to move the rubber ducky in the tub from the south end of a regulation sized tub, to the north, using only your upper arm strength. Its a great workout for that one handed bath so many guys love to take. A team of observers along the route makes sure no one cheats.

Once the 'duck has crossed the line' - as the elite refer - you'll make your way into 'transition'. There, you'll clip into your high speed tricycle with carbon frame - and go around the parking lot 25 times. No drafting will be allowed. If your competitor is in front of you, you have to either pass him, or let him pass you. You also are not allowed ride your cycle without the ends of the handlebars capped in tassles. Each handlebar will be tested to make sure the tassles are fluffy. No exceptions.

Many Tri-Flaccathletes will treat this segment of the race as a 'rolling gourmet airport dinner' as they prepare for the run. They will use 'duck' tape to tape snickers bars, gum, peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, and the Tri-flaccathlete energy food of choice, marshmallow peeps. (flaccidathletes prefer the 'out of season' peeps that you can get at CVS pharmacy for 75% off . Here's a hint to the 'noobies' .. don't go after the the green ones from St. Patricks day ,they will just get re-used at easter, so wait until easter to get your deals at that bargain bin).

Experienced Tri-flaccathletes often 'duck' tape mini microwave ovens , so they can 'wave the peep' and watch it swell up and become godzilla marshmallow bird - while they are in locked competition. In this softened state, the nutrients absorb more readily - you can always spot a veteran tri-flaccathlete because he or she or transgenderperson will shave their legs and have a give-away "peep 'stache" - the telltale sign of peep consumption during the rigorous training regimen required to put in world-class times at Flaccidman.

After the competitive 25 around the parking lot - competitors will circle back to 'transition' area, where they will then proceed to the final leg of flaccidman, a grueling 26.2 meter run .

Many who cross the finish line, at this point are so worn out it is common to see the 'flaccidman shuffle', a survival stride - to barely get them over the finish line. The telltale stride - the flat strike of the shoe against the earth - stopping the momentum of the runner - a sure sign that there is nothing left to give. Emergency medical technicians will be standing by , wrapping the weary athlete in big sheets of aluminum foil, adding seasonings and then carefully guiding him to the combination athletic-recovery area/ island-natives hot lunch program area - where he will be treated to a hot sauna bath on freshly prepared coals, basking in vegetables and seven different herbs and spices.

Some people describe this race as something not so much an event, as it is something to be survived. Training should begin at least 12 minutes in advance of the event, with a dedicated regimen in place by the last 10 minutes, and a full minute of time off, just before the event - followed by a big pasta snack referred to as 'carb loading' .

Born as a dare between two seals, this event has quickly become the American standard of elite competition in the international Athletic Arena - with more people entering the sport each year. The unique requirement of the use of over three different muscles, plus the camaradery and challenge of the event and its unique sports subculture have turned thousands of people towards sport, whose humble origins began in San Francisco. Legend has it that a tourist threw a marshmallow peep off fishermans warf , and after eating it - the seal began pushing a duck with his nose, riding a trike, and then flopping around on the ground in great big circle over and over again.

Although many people cannot undergo the rigorous training that seals receive, the demanding sport has to this day over three followers in nearly one state in the union.

Comments

Anonymous said…
fuck you. lol. you son of a bitch.
I am never going to run a tri with you again you oven stuffer turkey