Nude but not Naked

In part six of a continuing series on how kink is woven into the fabric of the universe, I am going to discuss punishment. Not the kind of punishment you get for not showing up on a saturday night half-date that was never really planned out - or skipping a cub scout meeting. The kind of punishment that you can feel...

Punishment teaches, and fosters growth. If a given punishment is too severe, the result could be fear or resentment of the dominant. If it's too soft, it can create indifference to the dominant's rules. It should not damage self esteem or cause permanent injury. A submissive should always know what he/she is being punished for and any punishment should include a discussion of what was done, why it was wrong and how to avoid it in the future. However, a dynamic tension can be struck within that chord of a possible range of activities for which punishment is warranted. The sure knowledge of wrongdoing is the quickest way to draw down reprisal - however, the need for banishment of uncertainty - and the clarity with which that uncertainty is allayed - can also be valuable. A rule is a rule. A law is a law. We learn, grow and play. Sometimes all at the same time.

Good kink punishment can knock you back towards your childhood. With children, however, there is a paradox. If you punish them with any amount of strength whatsoever, really, then they will tend to remember the punishment more than the crime. I believe this is because they remember the novelty of it all.

I do however, believe that the two forms of punishment are from the same origin. A good case in point is how women are treated in society. I was explaining to someone yesterday that kink is a form of relationship honesty - kink can take many different forms. But on the other side of that coin, I spoke yesterday with a person I know who treats women as a commodity to be bought and sold. He sees women , essentially, as prostitutes.

I do not feel this accounts properly into the world of kink. Sure, there are master/slave relationships out there - but this diverges from that. The person I spoke with yesterday was raised laissez faire, with little or no guidance from a self absorbed father and a mother who died young. His idea seems to be that he can buy whatever woman he wants. He literally told me that women are commodities. He said he was going to tell his new wife that a former russian girlfriend of his was far more attractive than she.

Although humiliation can be used as a form of punishment - somehow something didn't seem quite right. I think the missing element is discipline. Relationships require it. Children need it. Real consequences to real, and self guided actions and decisions. Try to encourage the right thing by giving limited and focussed options. Hold your cards close to your chest - sometimes. But never, ever attempt to destroy someone. There is a paradox there : often what is destroyed rises back stronger than before - you are playing with a chaotic system. Think of two springs coupled together. Pull one harder, and you may or may not get the desired motion than if you hit the spring system some other way.

Love, I suppose, is like that as well. Although I would think that if you were going to be a submissive to someone, you probably would be better off to be in love with them. I guess, first, we develop relationships - then we can develop kink. We are born nude but not naked. Somehow we arrive at a state of being naked somewhere along the way.

My fascination with Bettie Page centers at least all or in part on the fact that she truly enjoyed herself in what she was doing. It showed - she was shining, in her pictures. I guess that's one of the reasons why I've been married for so long - I can be blindsided about alot of emotions but I recognize joy of being. I see situations in adversity and sometimes I wonder where the right path can be found. With her, after basically discovering her at a small video shop where I used to rent films as a college student - I become fascinated by how her personal life really disintegrated all around her - but her professional and spiritual life grew strong. It's almost as if she was working under the principle that that someone, somewhere out there was the right one for her- the joy of being. Bettie Page R.I.P.