That was funny- Did Prickle kill and dismember Thelma Ritter’s character in Pickup on South Street? “Look Mister…I’m so tired, you’d be doing me a big favor by blowing my head off”
Tell me what your heart is like, love. Your heart is a very mysterious place to me, and I don’t know if it exists in a way that I can comprehend. Was it so bad that some chambers of your heart have been disassembled and no longer exist? Or are they long-empty rooms with dusty sheets on the furniture? Do the lights come on, still? Are the windows painted shut? Can you feel everything I try to describe, or only certain things? What do they feel like to you now, as opposed to then?
I wish you would let me in.
I wish I didn’t have all these questions and more. I wish I didn’t miss you so much all the time. I wish I knew if there was any chance in Hell (Here) of ever seeing you or talking to you again. I wish this wasn’t so goddamn fucking unfair I wish I had a fraction, a sliver, of the love you give to her every day Do you feel sorry? Does she know anything about me?
It was so confusing, but familiar- and in time, I knew why that was. It sometimes seemed like you enjoyed being with me, even loved it, yet at the same time, it felt as if you also found me sorely lacking- that if only these big flaws of mine weren’t such an issue, you’d be crazy about me. The times you would suddenly cut it all off and slam the door in my face, times that was done literally and just figuratively. I’d never experienced with anyone else that terrible and sudden knife slice of a mental/emotional cutoff you would do sometimes, I could almost physically feel it. Leatherface’s sliding metal door slamming shut-BLAM From what you post, it looks like you’ve gotten better than that. Did the Equal commercial skeet acknowledge what I said about equal/unequal footing between us?
You never needed to impress me to win me over
I sometimes felt like I was auditioning, or that I was being seen on a probationary basis, somehow, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Sometimes I felt as though I was the only woman you’d ever loved, ever felt alive with. Real.
That first time, in the dark, on your bed, I remember you looking down at me moving with you, underneath you, in an air of disbelief or surprise. An expression for a few nanoseconds that seemed to say “what is this, who is this creature?” I saw this as though through an almost-visible haze of excess energy, passion, and electricity.
Laura said…
-Are you alright?
Did I do something wrong?
-?
Laura said…
Sigh. This time around on BlueSky doesn’t seem as fun, and I feel less confident, too. I wish I knew more about what’s different for you now. It seemed like something significant happened recently, but you’re not saying anything except you’re working on it. Working on it- with her and others. For however many years, or for the rest of our lives. I’ll still be exiled and restricted to the occasional coded teletype in public with fake names.😭I get to puzzle over chess moves like whether changing from a raven to a rook was supposed to be noted, of if it was just signaling transformation in general. I’ve said this before, but getting nothing but the occasional hidden minuscule clue from you- as opposed to all the attention and effort these other women get- makes it hard to believe you think of me as anything but a lifelong fan of yours…or someone you’re really attracted to, but you’re too scared and/or ashamed to acknowledge them irl.
You just got what you wanted, yet again…but, you don’t seem very happy about it. Are you angry at me? Disappointed? I showed up, and then you went away for a day. I don’t get it. Nothing fucking new, there, that’s for sure. But what do I know? Next to nothing That’s all I get
Laura said…
Well hey- even if I don’t like this setup, there’s nothing I can do about it, right? Do you say that about me, now?😭
Laura said…
What the fuck is this? Why are you ignoring me when you fucking wanted me there in the first place? If you’re using news about the gross abomination known as Lauren Boebert to tease me or insult me, that shows what kind of person you are. What, you didn’t like that the persona I chose was an angry woman? Did you want my BlueSky avatar to be someone sweeter, more docile? If so, WTAF. Quit jerking me around- do you fucking want to interact with me there, or ignore me and punish me for not enjoying being manipulated? Fuck this.
Comments
That was funny- Did Prickle kill and dismember Thelma Ritter’s character in Pickup on South Street? “Look Mister…I’m so tired, you’d be doing me a big favor by blowing my head off”
Tell me what your heart is like, love. Your heart is a very mysterious place to me, and I don’t know if it exists in a way that I can comprehend. Was it so bad that some chambers of your heart have been disassembled and no longer exist? Or are they long-empty rooms with dusty sheets on the furniture? Do the lights come on, still? Are the windows painted shut? Can you feel everything I try to describe, or only certain things? What do they feel like to you now, as opposed to then?
I wish you would let me in.
I wish I didn’t have all these questions and more. I wish I didn’t miss you so much all the time. I wish I knew if there was any chance in Hell (Here) of ever seeing you or talking to you again. I wish this wasn’t so goddamn fucking unfair
I wish I had a fraction, a sliver, of the love you give to her every day
Do you feel sorry?
Does she know anything about me?
It was so confusing, but familiar- and in time, I knew why that was. It sometimes seemed like you enjoyed being with me, even loved it, yet at the same time, it felt as if you also found me sorely lacking- that if only these big flaws of mine weren’t such an issue, you’d be crazy about me. The times you would suddenly cut it all off and slam the door in my face, times that was done literally and just figuratively. I’d never experienced with anyone else that terrible and sudden knife slice of a mental/emotional cutoff you would do sometimes, I could almost physically feel it. Leatherface’s sliding metal door slamming shut-BLAM
From what you post, it looks like you’ve gotten better than that. Did the Equal commercial skeet acknowledge what I said about equal/unequal footing between us?
You never needed to impress me to win me over
I sometimes felt like I was auditioning, or that I was being seen on a probationary basis, somehow, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Sometimes I felt as though I was the only woman you’d ever loved, ever felt alive with. Real.
That first time, in the dark, on your bed, I remember you looking down at me moving with you, underneath you, in an air of disbelief or surprise. An expression for a few nanoseconds that seemed to say “what is this, who is this creature?”
I saw this as though through an almost-visible haze of excess energy, passion, and electricity.
-Are you alright?
Did I do something wrong?
-?
Sigh. This time around on BlueSky doesn’t seem as fun, and I feel less confident, too. I wish I knew more about what’s different for you now. It seemed like something significant happened recently, but you’re not saying anything except you’re working on it.
Working on it- with her and others. For however many years, or for the rest of our lives. I’ll still be exiled and restricted to the occasional coded teletype in public with fake names.😭I get to puzzle over chess moves like whether changing from a raven to a rook was supposed to be noted, of if it was just signaling transformation in general. I’ve said this before, but getting nothing but the occasional hidden minuscule clue from you- as opposed to all the attention and effort these other women get- makes it hard to believe you think of me as anything but a lifelong fan of yours…or someone you’re really attracted to, but you’re too scared and/or ashamed to acknowledge them irl.
You just got what you wanted, yet again…but, you don’t seem very happy about it. Are you angry at me? Disappointed? I showed up, and then you went away for a day. I don’t get it. Nothing fucking new, there, that’s for sure.
But what do I know?
Next to nothing
That’s all I get
Well hey- even if I don’t like this setup, there’s nothing I can do about it, right? Do you say that about me, now?😭
If so, WTAF. Quit jerking me around- do you fucking want to interact with me there, or ignore me and punish me for not enjoying being manipulated? Fuck this.