The slow realization
This is a very important realization for me. It came after I sort of accidentally dropped into a game of WoW in the late afternoon, didn't have anything scheduled and the kids came home. The run was through a place called Shadowfang Keep. I was playing Horde. As usual I was doing a pretty good job. I say this in humility, I have done a great job with my avies and toons - had them do all kinds of fun things. A grown man playing with dolls.
And so we are in an instance, as a group - and I am dawning as we are working through this instance - that I am handling some complicated dynamics here. Our group was low (meaning we were easily killed).
This is that halflight of the day , that time when people who actually have a life, meet on their porch. Have a drink. Talk to friends. Things like that. And I am an undead warlock. And I am taking second in command on the group, and tanking for them.
As usual, I'm pretty happy. I really enjoy the focus the game offers. And our group ends up making it all the way through, to this amazing battle sequence - just insane sequence inthe end. We won.
This is almost the time when the lights came on. I knew that I was playing to avoid doing anything useful because I was afraid I was going to fail. But I still didn't realize that I was actually winning anything. I tell myself I play WoW to delete my sex drive (which it does, sort of.)
So this is a story in two parts. First, it struck me of the magnitude of how much, that I could fail. Thats important - I realized the stakes of the game (in real life) that I am playing. And in that fel instant I realized how afraid I was of failing. Both personally and professionally.
I am seriously dropping the ball. That was the thought that I have been having this week. And then I realized.
No. I am trying to throw the ball away to keep from getting tackled in the endzone.
And then for the first time, honestly in almost a good solid year - a hole seemed to appear in the defensive line. And if I run through it... I just might have a chance for a first down. Not a touchdown but a first down. And I am going to get hurt. They are going to tackle me.
And I am not a defensive end. I am going to make crunching sounds when they hit me. And they're going to mob me.
If you could only know how slowly it dawned on me. That I have this one small chance. I am still not sure exactly what to do. Tonight we go to church, partly because I am doing acoustics and computer work for them, partly because the kids love this wednesday night dinner - but mostly because I want to sit down somewhere and ask a question of myself.
I have picked a very, very hard research topic. I have a small angle into it that might work. The kids are all over me, but thats an excuse. I use everything as an excuse. Half the time I am telling myself I will ebay my Triathlon bike and pay for everything and life will be fine. Truth is .
I can still only barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it might be an oncoming train. Funny. I write this in the dying light of a day that , frankly - wasn't that productive.
I have to keep things in order. God. Family. Work. And right now. Maybe I see daylight. Even as the sun slowly sets.
This is the slow realization. I might just be able to pull it off. I am making a list.
I will hit that list and it won't be pretty. A QB just barely making it through the line of defense, not like a running back with the ball. It will look like someone desperate. Because I am. That is where my focus point is. I need to get my work going, my projects and code shipping and this damn business launched.
Win one, then another. No touchdown pass. If they're open, fine. But. Just make first down. Stay in the game. Lets go do this thing.
Life is not a game.