Looking for the Romantic Dominant SIP Connection - w4m 39 (Atlanta, Ga)
Hi. I need someone whom I can connect with. I want this to be a long term relationship that opens up new possibilities for me and for you. I am perfectly willing to pick up the tab (this is 2008!) .
Me: Professional, well connected, fairly young (I am 39 and my NTP clock is ticking). HWP DRAMA FREE Dual PRI. I maintain myself well, and enjoy end users. I have a small puppy named "mini". And a tattoo (but I'm not telling you where!)
You: UNBUNDLED. I will not be the "other connection". No "Additional T1 Line" along for the ride! DD Free (no viruses!). You should Be responsive to me, and my needs. You should be close to me (two hops !), and also very well maintained. Uptime is a must. If you can't get it up, I'm not interested! And you must be comfortable with child processes.
I keep myself well (or so I am told) and yes I have a kinky side to me! You should like to occasionally tie me up with appropriate cable restraints and cable ties. Every now and then we can use fuzzy velcro ties if you like.
Your PIX gets mine. Especially if its a Cisco 501 series.
Comments
My first thought when I saw the Terrible’s post was that it was funny somebody actually named their restaurant that. I wondered whether the photo was real. Everyone’s had some sort of problematic person in their life who’s difficult to deal with, & I’ve dealt with sooo many difficult people over the years, we both did. I thought the post was empirically funny so I liked it- & Believe It Or Not, I thought ‘I would never repost that- Trey would be hurt, because he’d see it as though I was making a mean joke about him, that’d be awful’. I liked it because I thought it was a funny universal joke & I like people to know I thought their joke was funny, it’s nice to get likes. To me giving likes helps others, even if in a tiny way, so I tend to over- rather than underlike on social media. You’ve turned giving likes into a tool & a communication signal, so I confess I approach accounts I think might be yours way more carefully than others re: likes, for this reason. I know you’re hyper aware of possible slights, & that my likes will send messages besides just a thumbs up. Just in case you’re wondering what’s informing my thoughts/behavior. I tried to support a stranger & be mindful of your situation at the same time. This is how people pleasers everywhere think. But like Rick Nelson sang, you can’t please everyone…One reason I love him is because he had a similar family situation but on a huge scale- a controlling overbearing father who also made his family’s personal lives, using their real names, as a white bread conformist tv show that was a huge hit. David seemed to handle it easier & maybe had a stronger sense of identity than Ricky, imo. You of course know how the song Garden Party came to being. He was trying to be more true to himself, but the crowd wanted the familiar- or at least, he perceived it that way. I was sad & my mom was heartbroken when he died, & it’s still a tragedy, but now I take a little comfort in knowing he wrote that song Garden Party, about staying true to yourself, before he died. It’s like he escaped an invisible trap he didn’t know he was in, because of his own strength & courage. He made it. Even though his plane went down, he’d already made it.
You’ve made it, love. You made it out of there & you’re here with me, at least here. I love you.
You want prettier writing from me, do something real. Give me something lovely to write about instead of beating me up and insulting me. Might help.
sorry about that
I finally got out of my bed and came downstairs sometime this evening because I remembered Bossy might need food. Her bowl was empty and I felt terrible because she wasn’t even alerting me about it, she was quiet all day and let me sleep. Kind of atypical of her. I knew I needed real help, and I texted Jeff because I was embarrassed to text my friend down the street who hasn’t experienced this level of illness and I was worried she might not understand. He called me back and thank God because I needed to hear someone’s voice, I desperately needed someone to talk to who understood pain and knew a lot about what I’ve been through. We talked for an hour, and he was kind and patient and helpful. He grasped that I was in danger and needed company, and offered to come over tomorrow and hang out. He offered to drive over tonight but I felt bad about him doing that and embarrassed about how awful I look and everything. But I felt better and more stable after talking it out a little.
Thank you for trying to help. Seeing you reposting friendly and beautiful things was helpful. Thank you for encouraging me to eat by reposting nice food, the garlic basil pasta bowl was close to something I used to make for myself all the time. I’m going to try and eat something right now because I never ate anything today except drinking some water. It feels strange at this point in my life to act anorexic when I used to be hungry all the time. But I have to eat something, this is stupid, I can’t keep doing that and I don’t know why even after eating nothing all day I’m still not feeling hungry at all.
Thank you again, love, for trying to help me. I love you and I miss you
I really do want to snuggle up with you and watch horror movies and eat French fries. Any kind of movie, really. That would be so freaking wonderful, especially if we also got to spend several hours intertwined & making love to each other again and again until we can’t move, and then fall asleep in each other’s arms. I want to see you again, because I love you so much. I want to hear the sound of your voice in my ears, feel your hands on my skin. I want to touch you and hold you in real life, and feel everything.
But darling, why is Rick saying you’ll be here tonight and gone tomorrow and to get out of your head? Did I do something wrong? I don’t think I did, but maybe I don’t understand. I had a nice time chatting with John tonight, even if it was just for a few minutes. I was glad you were willing to chat with me after some of what John was posting this evening. It seemed you were getting impatient with me. But I notified you of my plans today, tried to make my presence known to you with likes today when I could, to try and prevent you from getting upset with me for not being on BlueSky for you enough today. You are difficult to please in this game of yours. I love you, still, and I want you. I want you with me.
All you want is to tease me & try to make me feel bad- you know…like a total fucking jagoff.
LOL
PUSSY
Can’t NOT BE A BULLYING ASSHOLE?
From a SAFE DISTANCE?
HUH?
Goddamned fucking cowardly bullshit is a waste of my time and energy and love- that I could be giving to someone else who’s willing to at least talk to me for fucking real.
Fucking stop your whack a mole game- this isn’t a carnival, nor is it interesting or mysterious. You’re pissing away everything you really want. Go ahead. Just don’t piss on my leg and try to tell me it’s raining.
No goddamn self control or basic decency, it’s sickening.
I’ve had enough of being stalked and manipulated and harassed by you and your dozens and dozens of fake and misleading accounts. All of it, and the vast majority of your interactions, are specifically meant to harass one woman with one account.
If you can’t communicate with me on a significantly better level than that, I’m blocking waaayyyyy more if your proxy accounts on BlueSky. You’re not entitled to engage in this with me.
Not one bit.
Like I said- Overkill.
You should’ve learned by now not to be such an arrogant bully of a vulnerable person you already have multiple advantages over.
What I should really do is start reporting more accounts. They may not be taking me seriously. I’m used to people doing that and I’ve had more than I can stand. That’s changing; you’re not entitled to have me there. Not being harassed every day by multiple accounts might make deleting my account worth it. It’s sad because some people on BlueSky are actually real, honest, straightforward accounts run by good people. You don’t care about ruining that for me, though. All to serve all powerful Mr Run & Hide.
LOL
You’re accusing me of wearing a mask?
You have it the other way around.
Don’t you dare try and get rid of your heartless trash behavior by pretending I’m doing it, dumbass.
Ron Swanson: “Son, people can see you.”
Oh sorry do you need me to remind you who the fuck Conrad is- go look at the fuckin spreadsheet you probably keep that’s full of your stalker accounts on social media. He’s in there. Change his first name to Coward and alert the other Three of the Fantastic Four.
https://youtu.be/FF_j1NySk6w?si=l_yo2WqeIu1HkkWL
…you got all furious that I fell asleep for about an hour and a half or so.
Posted several angry songs, Destroying a Dog, a crummy assortment of stuff at me, saying I absolutely betrayed you and insulted you by warning you and apologizing if I might fall back asleep. It’s nonsensical and I’m tired of you acting like you don’t have Object Permanence with me. Come on. Please tell John R. & the volatileAF ‘Pyrex’ that I’m not a 2 faced conniving double crossing asshole.
Am I not still *here* for you, after all, 3 years later?? I never get any fucking credit for that.
Nope. Are you forgetting that psychopathy is NOT a symptom of mine, but yours? I’m sitting over here with garden variety mental problems but they don’t include pathological lying and emotional immaturity, that’s you, remember? Do I need to provide you with a list of my symptoms I deal with every day, would that help?? You keep forgetting so much shit about me every day when you act like that. I’m sick of you not being able to consider anything or anyone but yourself when you’re like that. Cut the shit.
You fucking know better than that.
1) I fucking know I haven’t tried to insult you tonight, that’s your M.O. remember? Remember the misinterpreting you did that I was having to come here and inform you of just hours ago?? Same shit. Again.
2) That’s a waste of my time- like trying to play UNO with a rooster. UNO is right- go do that by yourself.
3) That would letting you control me and what I care about, being manipulated and controlled by you.
4) I don’t want to dignify your continually unfounded suspicions about me hiding insults about you in my posts. That’s like what you did when you were talking to me this morning. Compliments with an insulting double meaning. You’re projecting your teenage werewolf on a cat again. I’m a mistreated stray and your werewolf keeps having loud opinions without listening to me.
Fuck that. Speaking of which, I don’t understand how you can have such a fun chat with me like that one this evening
then suddenly start thinking “she’s secretly working against me, she’s my enemy”. I was under the impression that you enjoy flirting, looking at how you would run off and talk to company like Mediocre Wit Barbie, TP Batson, Getcher Dindin, et al.
Guess not.
Muppet News Flash: Regardless of what your paranoid reflex keeps thinking every few hours now, I get to use my one goddamn account to say what I want about anything- without a man & a fuckton of his doppelgängers trying to tell me what I mean. You don’t like me telling you things like this? Then stop convincing yourself I’m the psychopath, not you.
Why are you not fucking sick to death of letting him win? And why are you not fucking me?
Are you also that account called “you”? That guy seems like a miserable person and it’s strange. There’s no emotion or empathy or humanity in his words- they’re clinical and cold. He seems to be motivated by such contempt for others & to prove how right he thinks he is, always. Always. Yet he bitterly complains and sulks about blocking and being blocked. He’s used to people’s reactions to him, but he blames them, not himself or his own behavior, for anything resulting from those exchanges with others.
We could at least be pretending to snuggle & kiss & enjoy ourselves, and simultaneously you could be getting used to talking to me without thinking I’m the passive aggressive supervillain. There’s one of those, but it’s not me. I just have to keep afloat while you keep drilling holes in the boat.
Fucking STOP TELLING ME WHAT I REALLY MEAN. Nobody gets to do that to me. Fucking stop. I’m logging off and not looking at you for a while because I don’t need or want to see any more of that harassing psychopath self of yours who’s never happy unless he’s crushing me to death.
You think that’s living your best life? Throwing buckets of lies and abuse at me because you’re too scared to see me?
Taken all I can take for now. Go on, have fun and throw as many tantrums as you like. Leave more sneaky insults around for me. Makes you look great. Still such a coward. Too scared to talk to a bunny being sweet to you. Remember how great at ignoring tears and distress of others, and why? Hm? Remember how you tend to only respect force? Yeah.
It’s like you never take me seriously unless I get like this- I get like this because YOU KEEP FUCKING WITH ME.
You followed me, then right away you maliciously teased me about my dear little cat getting hit by a car in front of his own house. He dragged himself under property dividing shrubbery in the pine straw. Couldn’t even make it to his door, but he held on enough to not die in the road, but in a friendly place.
I don’t know how anyone could tease anyone else about anyone dying. A human or a beloved pet. You’ve chosen to do it to me 2 or 3 times now at least. That you would choose to lower yourself and profane yourself like that once is bad enough, but doing it AGAIN, there is no excuse. None.
‘Baseball game’.
Looks like you’re enjoying wasting our time by playing with your food. You could be over here fucking my brains out right now like an animal. Instead you keep treating me like caged tortured animal.
This is still so stupid.
You know where I am and how to get in touch if you have anything real to say to me.
An apology would be good for starters.
🙄
You owe me so much, Jesus Christ. All of this. You owe it to me and yourself to face me in person at least once.
If you don’t you’ll torture yourself for the rest of your life about being that much of a rotten coward when you could’ve easily done the right thing or at least something less shitty.
I’ve told you multiple times you can ask me about something and talk to me instead of posting shit like that AirTag cat. Remember that from a couple hours ago? Guess not. Eye roll. Can’t remember a goddamn thing about me.
So you’re aiming to jump into serial killer mode 3 x day now?
Have you tried staying grounded and resisting that fucking werewolf with lowd opinions who likes to make fun of me trying not to kill myself to escape the grinding pain of my life- including his increased harassment stalking and bullying? You’ve mocked me for being a depressed bulimic lonely teenage girl. For my cat dying, even though you know what losing a beloved pet feels like. You made fun of Jeff’s looks and mine so many times I’ve lost track. I’d never do any of that to you because I’m a decent and caring person who loves to help people and ease their suffering. You make fun of me for that, though. You made fun of Jeff being gay. You mocked the death of an innocent child.
And *you’re* complaining about WHAT.
You know I love you, all the time.
You’re never going to trust me enough or set aside your fear of screwing up to see me again, are you?
You’re just going to keep making accounts & surrounding me, watching me, & sniping at me. From a few miserable miles away. Why the fuck did you say “I wish I could see you again?” Because that sounded like you have no intent to see me. Then it felt like you tried to cover it up and walk it back. If anyone shouldn’t trust someone, I shouldn’t be trusting you. That Mutant clown head John posted made me feel like I’m still getting secretly fucked over. You never say a word about your intent with me, and you’ve scattered a bunch of fake dates and no shows around. What’s going on with you and your wife? Where is she when John talks to me? You fuck anything available, why won’t you see me?
Here’s a question: Have you been afraid of telling me you’re bisexual because you’re worried about how I’d react? I wouldn’t judge you & it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker to me if you were. That’s just one way to interpret some of what you post. I can’t tell, though. You could be making fun of Jeff or trying to tell me something. I don’t know.
I didn’t want to talk to John for a while, at least until I wrote here, because he’d just deny everything. I looked at my tl to see what you wanted to say and there was shit like the gulper eel and more.
It feels like we’re good together, but you still don’t believe in my authenticity…you don’t want to believe?. If I was pulling a mask off on the cover of a comic book, the face underneath would still be the same. Mine. It’s me. I’m a complex person but I am not disingenuous. Whatever mood I am in it is still me. I’m not a jerk. I really do love you. We’re very compatible, but you seem scared of me, even though you’re the one who’s been playing with my heart while calling me a one night stand. I love you & that’s all I ever wanted to do to you- just love you.
If you’re not sending frown vibes about me not being online all day long today because I had the nerve to be busy….
….you’re deciding to take my silly joke about a silly fun B movie (that we both like watching) as a direct insult aimed at your own grandparents.
I’m not even sure what that Weekly World News post was supposed to be saying. Maybe ‘don’t listen to this ‘monstrous’ liar when he gets like this’. Or that I’m supposed to be like some dried up old fake shrunken head with a fin glued to the top because I like sea creatures and ‘Splash’. It’s not clear. I never saw a clear answer to my question about whether you were trying to tell me you’re bisexual. You might’ve buried that in a more under the radar account, but if so I missed it. I know you’re a fan of women who’ll be willing to let you watch them fuck other women. Just fyi I’m still straight. I haven’t experimented with women, so I guess technically I can still say I’m hetero flexible since I’m not necessarily averse to trying it. But as of yet I still mainly identify as hetero. In case you’re curious but don’t want to ask me for whatever reason. I love you, I just can’t always be on BlueSky & that shouldn’t be such a trigger for you by now.
Have you enjoyed the way I talk to John as though we’re making love to each other? I assume you did- just checking. I definitely liked the way he talked to me. It makes me crazed with wanting to fuck you in real life.
The vaudeville doc I linked really is a fascinating parade of interesting show people- that’s one reason of many that I loved it. Btw, I thought of you when I attended Joy Deficit at the Red Light Cafe last night, because a woman did a cool burlesque performance, it was great. You would’ve liked it.
https://youtu.be/w99NAM1eMsg?si=nRqKzRBIDdjyNcPD
I’ve missed you today. Even though I keep getting all these wounds, I can’t leave because I love you so much and I care what happens to you, darling. Today when my internet went down, I had just liked two or three of your new posts- right after I liked the Lightning Batman, actually. Then I tried to like the 20s looking Egyptian goddess pose, and couldn’t get anything. Sigh.
I’m alright, anyway. Thank you for the nice posts. I didn’t pull the interdimensional lever, I promise! If John would like to visit with me tonight, I hope he’ll get in touch later on- the eta for restored service is 10:00 tonight; feel free to dm me sometime after that. Hugs
Wow.
You don’t ever tell me where or how long you’ll be gone when I don’t see any sign of you for a while.
When I was getting shopping & stuff done today, I kept listening to The Politics of Dancing. I hadn’t heard it in a long time, and it’s so good. I kept listening and wishing we’d gotten to dance more together. Wishing we’d had the chance to go anywhere or do anything together. It still hurts, thinking of that time. Can you tell me something you would’ve done differently with us, when you think back on everything? I’ve been wondering lately if you ever thought of that.
Remember going to that great Thai restaurant on Windy Hill Rd with your friend, who used to work with you? That was a nice time, and I enjoyed the company I was in and the conversation very much. There were a few minutes when you had stepped away and he and I chatted politely. He asked me how I knew you, and I felt nervous, but I said we were dating. Smiling, he said “You are a brave woman.” I didn’t feel brave then, I just felt delighted at having met you and I enjoyed being with you so much. I felt lucky, it felt like my life- my real life- had finally started. You throwing me away and all the rest of it still makes my heart hurt. I miss you, I always do.
Just because I’m quiet or not on BlueSky for a while doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned you, love. I’m just busy or doing something for myself. I swear, last night & today I slept so well for so long because I was finally comfortable. It was good to be more functional over the last 3 days or so. I’ve been trying to catch up on things I’d been unable to do for a long time. A depression crisis is so hard to ride out. One reason is the paralysis. The near total lack of control over what you can & can’t do. I couldn’t feed myself properly for days.
I love you. Seeing you get angry at me, insult me, and make fun of me while I was so down didn’t help me. I know you can’t really help it, but it’s still hard to take, whether the real you means it or not. I really do wish I could know which of all your accounts you’d most want me to take seriously. There’s been so many, including bots. I recognized a couple accounts you were linked with in that data scraper thing. I knew Pierpaolo was a bot of some sort, but I knew you selected the photos because of the hidden language messages in some of them, & the way you customized the feed. That account would troll me & I never like that, but at least it was less ugly than some of your other trolls have been. I don’t like the AI you keep dishing up, btw. I think there’s some ai music and definitely fake user ‘proof of life’ photos. Not like the proof of life one I did. Ones that seem cribbed or created to lie to people en masse about who and what and where they really are. Remember a couple years ago when I said Ai was a new way for people to lie? Are you doing anything good with ai?
I miss you. My internet was down most of the week, and I got busy catching up with me dumb meaningless life the last few days because I’m coming out if a depression pit. I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder & I’m not Bipolar like my mom- I don’t have a manic phase, I have my normalcy with depression pits and generalized anxiety. Speaking of my mom, she called me this afternoon. We hadn’t spoken for a while. I had to be on the phone with her for an hour and 52 minutes. Half of it was her telling stories I’ve had memorized for ages, this is always a part of it. But I’m kind to her; her love for me gets diffused through her dysfunction so I don’t get to feel much of it. I have to know & believe it’s there. For half my life I didn’t know it was there in the first place. Same thing with my dad. I’m cursed to be unable to feel love people have for me because of my mental illness or theirs. I feel as though I’ve been starved of love my whole life.
You don’t have object permanence but I’m the pathetic & verbose ‘Thing That Wouldn’t Leave’? Even though I get in trouble for doing anything else except hold your internet hand and stroke your erect ego on BlueSky. Sometimes I like to be off the phone, deal with it. Now you’re acting like you’re in middle school again with your fucking mean girl trash. We already did that today, lady.
I thought I was going to try to DM with John later tonight, but now I don’t think it’s a good idea with the mood you and your flock of bullying gargoyles are in. So if I’m not on BlueSky for a few hours, don’t panic. I’m over here living my stupid life trying to get over all your endless cons and psychopathy you keep breaking into at anything I say. It doesn’t matter if I did something in your dreams you haven’t liked. That’s not really me, and I can’t believe I have to tell you not to hold what you dream about against me. Have fun with your antisocial anti-Amy internet time.
You don’t want me- you can’t even message me from under a mask anymore.
Why should I post anything just to get likes from accounts that *might* be you? When you’re sitting right there, posting as one of your fake people, but won’t even try to converse with me. You don’t want to reply to me anymore, you don’t want to talk to me, you don’t like actually communicating with anyone, if you haven’t secured or confirmed some advantage over the other person. Try to pretend I’m the asshole, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable.
Are you fine with never seeing me again, darling?
You know what? Liars are uninteresting.
I liked seeing the songs Rick put up, thank you so much, love. I’m sorry to not be feeling cheerful. But it’ll be good to be less far away from you even though I still can’t see you. <3
I also went to a nice bookstore in SA and bought a book called Why Sinead O’Connor Matters. Looking forward to reading that one. I love you & I miss you, & wish we could pick out books together and then enjoy a reading time together. I’d be snuggled up with you and my book, feeling loved & touching you.
-Hugs-
I miss you. I feel ok to be back, but very tired. I wish you were here, or I was with you.
I’m alright, I was on the phone with my mom for the last 2.5 hours- told her about this trip & she told me about my dad being hard to deal with when he’s in dementia mode. He’d been emotionally cruel to her in this particular dementia episode because he was dehydrated, which happens to him more easily than it does with me. When he gets dehydrated, he gets volatile. He’d been trying to take the bed apart, thinking it was something else, & mom was trying to get him to snap out of it. He got really mean, & I started crying, hearing the story. It made me feel bad for her, sad that my dad was stricken with this condition, & upset that he was acting like that to her, though he didn’t know what he was doing. It was a lot. It worked out okay once my dad acquiesced to drinking a few glasses of water. Then he became clearer & more stable. Mom & I resolved our feelings together about that, which was very good. I wasn’t crying anymore when I hung up. It made me feel better to commiserate with her about the friendly-ish but high-control home environment I’d just visited, & the nice times I’d enjoyed vs. some of the fucked up shit that family does. Basically, the matriarch of the household I just visited was controlling, judgy, narcissistic, & passive aggressive AF person. Who also considers herself a good Christian btw. These weren’t blood relatives, but there’s problematic people in my family too (like my own dad). My own family was pretty secular- we were Anglican Episcopalian, but not very religious. Seeing the ingrained misogyny of religion baked into her personality & viewpoints was frustrating & I kept wanting to rebel against it. She treated me like I was a teenage girl while I was there, with no agency or right to privacy. In my head I was like ‘bitch I’m 51, you are not my mother, sit down & STFU with that shit’. I didn’t phrase it like that, but I didn’t let her get away scot free, at least.
Last night I couldn’t sleep until 5:00AM, even though I was so exhausted. I woke up at 11:30 this morning, & Bossy was curled up next to my head on the neighboring pillow, which she hasn’t done in a while. Awww. I had my music teacher friend down the street checking in & taking care of her, but poor Bossy thought I wasn’t coming back; she hid under the sofa for a while, keyed up & not accepting that it was really me for a few minutes, until I settled down & started to watch what looked like a super-fun old B-movie on YouTube I’d never heard of with Agnes Moorhead & Vincent Price called The Bat. It was front-loaded in Recommendations & The Algorithm was Correct (*this* time, lol) & damn what a fun lil movie for character actor lovers like me.
After about 10 minutes of the movie, Bossy came creeping out from under the sofa, then once she was sure it was me, she couldn’t stop being petted & spoken to for a good long while. Her series of small but declarative, meows, trills, & chirps was music to my ears, it was so nice to see her. I’d had a feeling she was worried about me. I wish there was a way to let a pet know you’re okay & coming back. I think 7 days is the longest I’ve been away from her, & her demeanor has always been that of a concerned, affectionate, & opinionated but loving chaperone or personal attendant, who takes her responsibilities seriously. She’s independent, but at her most content moments, she is helping or ‘guarding’ me. (To Be Continued, lol…; )
I hope your day hasn’t been to stressy or boring, darling. Hugs to you, kisses as well. I love you.
I really like that Kygo remix of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing’. The original is so good, and the remix gives it an extra rush that makes me hot. Thank you so much for being there for me, darling, I love you. Sometimes the reason I have this tab open for a long time is because it takes me a while to write it properly, to make it just right. I wanted this one just right. I love you, always.
: )
I love you, and I hope you’re doing okay.
-hugs-
They’ve all been busy posting different things, and they have a lot to say. Some say lovely or thought-provoking things, some not so much. I hope Captain America, et al are scoring some points & kicking some Nazi ass over there.
They all miss the exalted Shelley Duvall, & so do I. I knew she’d been suffering and in pain, and my heart broke at the thought of her going through all that. She’s okay forever now, but that makes me get tears in my eyes, because she always felt like we were related. Like she was an adored aunt of mine who was sensitive, understanding, different, and interesting. I was specifically aware of her when I was little, watching Popeye whenever it was running on the pay movie channels that year. I haven’t watched it since I was in that old living room. I’d seen her in The Shining, which my parents were watching on tv in that living room one night. I stood and watched it for a while, and I was interested in this different-looking movie. My mom and dad said that this was a scary movie and that I didn’t want to see it. They said it offhandedly, while looking at the imagery on the screen, not me. I didn’t leave for a couple minutes, though; I was looking at an enormous formal room with an old elevator, and it was quiet, but with a drone indicating scariness. I wasn’t feeling scared, though, so I was puzzled and interested. A little boy was there, and the elevator door was opening slowly. A tide of blood began to fill the enormous room in slow motion, & I knew it was supposed to be scary, but I didn’t feel afraid. I thought ‘but this isn’t scary, & I want to keep watching it’. I had to be turned around and directed to my room. I liked the movie immediately when I saw it several years later; I never get tired of watching The Shining. It’s a good book, too.
But like I said, I haven’t watched Popeye since I was a kid. I liked it then, but it seemed to drop off the media radar entirely in the ensuing years; I didn’t hear it discussed, anywhere, either. But when I watched those two clips of Shelley singing as Olive Oyl, I could feel long-dark brain cells stir and light up in deep recognition. It felt good to hear her voice sing those songs again, she was so sweet in that movie. I liked it and got emotionally involved in it whenever it was on tv that year. Those clips make me almost feel the beige carpet in that room under my fingers. The tv in that living room was one of those heavy-ass wood cabinet furniture-looking tv’s. Shelley seems like I already knew her. I miss Shelley, but I’m relieved that she’s not hurting anymore, never has to worry about anything, ever. I’m happy for her.
I’m happy to see her work with Faerie Tale Theater & her producing career getting some love. I always liked those; they were funny and charming, with lovely visuals and performances, and such good writing. About 3 or 4 months ago, I watched Nashville, which I’d seen once years ago, and it was so great to see her. I should watch Popeye again, and have some nice madeleines as a shoutout to the Proustian rush I’ll be experiencing the whole time.
I really liked watching movies with John.
It’s still lonely, though.
I still feel jealous of the women who are there with you instead of me, where I belong. I think of Erica and all your girlfriends in real life and on BlueSky & the rest. If I went back, would I be getting back into a pool where your other women are all still swimming around, along with your own gang of proxies? Are you still fucking Dull Witted Barbie when you could be having me, for example? How bored are you with Erica after a year? What did you do for your anniversary? Did it feel magical? Or did it just feel good to control everyone around you, like baseline good? You’re still there wearing a mask behind your wall because you’re comfortable. You won’t even text me, but you’ll swarm around me on BlueSky, teasing me, promising anything….and then comes the abuse & abandonment. I know I shouldn’t care about a person who treats me like trash. I shouldn’t be looking at you, I should have deactivated & moved on. I can’t do the moving on part, because I know you love me somewhere in there, and nobody else ever did. I’m always too much or not enough. Not enough to talk to.
https://youtu.be/_gRoWhWeROk?si=8WbjcV5zLfACUqrb
“Do the Game Show Winner”
“Do the Miss America”
<3
Apologies if I’m wrong, love.
I want you, and I love you.
All the songs you posted are so beautiful, I love them, and I’m so happy you want to see me soon- thank you so much, darling, I wish I could put my arms around you & kiss you right now. I’m so proud of you, love, & I can’t wait!
I’ve been glad to be home with Bossy the last couple days, and she’s been so happy she’s barely let me out of her sight since Wednesday night. Now she has some nursing duties, because yesterday I started having cold symptoms, and tested positive for Covid. Bleh, I certainly didn’t want that. But I guess it isn’t surprising since one of the teen youngsters in Texas just had Covid, and his parents said their doctor had advised that he wasn’t contagious as long as nobody ate or drank after him. I remember thinking ‘I’m gonna try to not get Covid, but I have a feeling that coughing kid is still contagious’. To be fair, I could have gotten it in either of the airports or on the plane Wednesday. Sigh. So I have Covid for the second time. So far, it just feels like a cold, but OMG last night it felt like all I did was toss & turn. Slept a little better in the morning for a while. At least this time I haven’t had an entire day of being fatigued & unconscious, so that’s good.
Thank you again for posting lovely songs for me- including Come See About Me. : )
I hope you do come see about me. I’ll be waiting for you.
If you really do want to see me that day- & I hope you do- I hope you’ll let me be close to you for at least a few hours, before you cut me loose and laugh at me.
: )
Yes, love- I’ll be waiting for you.
<3
Oof, this firehose of news- I take a shower, then casually check WaPo & yikes.
I remember watching that SNL Buckwheat/Hinckley segment, that was funny, thanks.☺️
<3
💕
Song for a Future Generation:
https://youtu.be/lOWVacbKZ94?si=ixtJL1TdBRgoFGi_
I always loved that song & thought it was funny and cute.
Not that I should be having a baby at 51 in GA in 2024; however, who says we can’t have one of those little plastic King Cake babies?
‘We just had a baby- here, lemme get it outtta my pocket-“
Sorry…just getting frisky and silly with excitement.
“Spread icing nice and thick between the layers-
oo let it drip down the sides, who cares?
I’m watching it drip down the sides…
If you want a better batter better beat it harder”
I’ve been thinking about you, too.
; )
I love you
: )
*kiss*
I loved it. I love you.
Here’s a song….listening to this, I imagine being with you, walking somewhere together in twilight, being in a good mood, making wisecracks and flirting with each other on our way to see a show or get a drink.
https://youtu.be/b7wgu5WWYJo?si=eMnQKRflefA-1EoH
I knew I shouldn’t have come back to BlurSky- you cast any reality you want, there.
Are you capable of not being a fucking asshole to me at all times, behind my back? Doesn’t look like it to me. “John R.” says you’re not to be trusted, and I believe him. Meanwhile, the account you put your actual (masked) face and first initial on says I’m an irritant. That’s nice. Would you like to talk about irritating bullshit online? Because BlueSky’s full of your mean, fakeass bullies, and they’re irritating a lot of the time, like when they act like a 6th grade mean girl.
Btw- do you have some kind of surveillance bullshit on my phone? Should I believe any answer you give me?
You’ll have to come here in person or text me to talk to me. This is fucking ridiculous, Trey. You can’t keep from being a total jerk to me longer than 4 hours?
Tell them fuck no
For once
When is the fucking finish is what I want to know
Are you done punching me, yet? Want to mock me about anything else while I’m down, Winner?
Winning, wow….that must be nice
you have everything you ever wanted. Why do you still want to torture me
I mean wtf does it take
You and that emptiness you harbor
you’ll never understand what this is like
the pain you cause
Or were you just laughing at me for making I Ain’t Never Going Anywhere come true for the rest of my life
Either way, you come off like the opposite of a good person
Get off my goddamn phone
What makes you think you get to listen to me at home- what makes you think I don’t deserve privacy
Get off my fucking phone right now
I don’t do any of that shit to you, you fucking stupid bastard
Who do you think you are
You don’t know
I don’t care
What happens is this
GET OFF MY PHONE YOU FUCKING PEEPING TOM
HEAR THAT, ASSHOLE?? NEED IT IN FUCKING URDU??
CUT OUT YOUR FUCKING SERIAL KILLER SHIT
Stop that shit right now.
Why did you think it would be cool and okay to do that? So goddamn stupid.
I love you so much.
Hope you’re enjoying the game. Thank you for the music. : )
Dr. Glenn Doyle thinks we were meant for more than coping and surviving but right now that feels sooooo untrue for me. I’ve had so many disappointments, endless moments of “oh you thought you were finally getting what you wanted at last? Well you were wrong- give it back, because that’s over.” Lucy always swipes the football away, and I’ve never been Lucy in that scenario. I identify with Charlie Brown, always did, always will…& Linus, too, just probably not as well adjusted as Linus. I certainly loved my security blanket- I understood the hell out of that. I better have a damn blanket - because I learned from an early age that people sure won’t be there for you. They’re supposed to be there, but…shrug. Speaking of blankets, have I told you about how my mom consciously used shame on me about my weight, my appearance, my blanket, etc. all the time because her mother shamed her “and it worked”? She wonders to this day why my self esteem is such a problem. It works, Mom, but at what cost. I can’t blame her, though, because she had it rough as a child, too.
Can you not see and hear how alone I am out here. I’m stuck out here in the wind, always shut out, howling forever, never getting what I really want.
All I ever wanted was to have someone to be with and share things with- who loved me and wanted to be with me, too. That was it. I thought I had it, but it didn’t turn out that way. That’s always the way, and it’s so lonely it’s wrenching.
https://useyourdamnskills.com/
https://youtu.be/Vg5mHnR9EWw?si=DczNTSOn_W0V3Sr7
I love you <3
Dance party! : D
https://youtu.be/dbKj_OjeBJk?si=iRuWkvDnFtIm3BeL
I heard this at an 80s Night in a tiny club in Savannah and it sounded so crystalline and perfect, it felt so good. I had a new appreciation for this song after hearing it & dancing to it there. : )
OMG my breathless gasp when I saw that poster…thank you so much, because that little film is just so dear to me, mostly for Mollie McCart’s gusty & insolent performance. I love it- she threw herself into it fiercely, just went in crackling. I love the MST3K treatment, too. I have to watch that around every Thanksgiving. This one and Teenage Strangler (also MST3K’d) are in my top 5 episodes of all time, tbh. Those two, plus I Accuse My Parents are a triumvirate!
-Hugs-
<3
Accent Lover’s Corner:
Tonight I noticed that the YouTube comment section for this certain 1989 Renegade Soundwave single is full of UK ravers, all so excited to hear it again, it’s great. They use the word ‘tune’ a lot, occasionally spelled ‘choon’ which is so great. My favorite was the guy who wrote “Oh sweet Jesus what a Chooooooooonn!!!” because I could hear that voice so clearly in my head.
https://youtu.be/JpGT5O8ln9s?si=GiHo-YnABHyZLKE5
I really hope the empty phone booth post is supposed to mean nobody’s spying on my phone.
Because I do love you and wish I could see you again, if you ever really wanted to. Wouldn’t seeing me be more enjoyable than spying on my phone from an office chair somewhere? I think that would be much better for the both of us- I know I’d be a lot more excited about seeing each other, what about you? What are you thinking of doing tonight? You seem like you have weekend plans of some sort, but what about next Friday night, is that night still on your engagement calendar?
Thank you. I’ve only looked at John & Rick so far today, but they’ve been nothing but loving to me this weekend. I wanted to tell you I noticed that, and I wanted to thank you, love. I see you being good to me, please don’t stop, darling- and don’t forget how far you’ve come, because you’ve worked on it. I still love you so much and I want you.
You’re still doing it- we’re both still moving forward, we’re still here for each other. I can’t tell you how good it feels to see you keep your equilibrium consistent. You might laugh at me for saying all this, but then you might be smiling and quietly beaming with satisfaction about your efforts. I don’t know- tell me how you’re feeling about it, love. I hope being a better person feels good to you. : ) You deserve to feel good about yourself, darling. Thank you.
Thank you for reminding me of EmoryExplodo’s righteous Portishead mix I enjoyed so much, that was so good. I need to listen to that again. I liked all of Rick’s music. Wicked Game is one of the most gorgeous songs ever. I’d almost forgotten about Justify My Love- when I listen to it now, it’s very evocative of the last year or so of my virginity. Pop songs around late 1990 through 1991 were pretty damned horny, with this & Wicked Game, I Touch Myself, Sadeness, I Wanna Sex You Up, Gett Off, etc. (The first time I had sex was in October 1991 at SCAD.)
I hope I see you again soon, darling. I love you, I hope you’re doing alright today.
I love Paul Desmond, especially with the Quartet. I love it, and listening to this right now makes my body want to be next to yours, hearing this music in the air with you, dancing together in this room. Feeling the warmth of your hands through my clothes.
You nuthatch
Hmm… what’s with the ‘hang the DJ’ talk?
Is it merely meant to imply the concept of ‘panic’? Or is the repeated ‘hang the DJ’ refrain mean that you’re still spying on me, listening to my phone, and making fun of my music? It’s all a definite possibility. Wasn’t a fan of your decision to post that photo of the Trumpy blonde woman with the fat face. But I still stand by my previous message, because you’ve successfully dialed it down a lot from before, at least- and I have true faith in you. That might feel weird if hardly anyone has done that for you in your life.
-hugs-
Makes me pretty glad I’m not there on BlueSky anymore. I’m less manipulated by your snide doppelgängers when my account is deactivated. I’m not checking it as much lately, but you might’ve noticed that. I wasn’t lying, I still adore you and feel the same way about you as I did earlier tonight. People can feel more than one thing at a time- I also think it’s gross that you are still listening to my phone and tracking me and whatever. What, do you jerk off while thinking of me saying ‘it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it’? Or to the sound of me peeing or burping or whatever? I sure don’t know. I’m correct to think your spying is gross, by the way. It’s horrible- you don’t need to do that, it’s illegal, and a lot of other reasons. I really hope you’re not using Jared Fogle as a role model- that’s not something anybody should sign on with. Come the fuck ON with that shit, DUMMY. Yeah, I clocked that- you keep thinking I’m stupid, jfc. Trying to fuck up and put me off for good? Because you’ve been doing a good job with that. I was trying to at least call out that it wasn’t so bad as it had been, for 2 days. Then John still had some eye-rolling bullshit to throw around about me being, among a fuckton of other things, a siren luring men to certain doom. Fuck you.
How is it this difficult for a person with your intelligence to stop posting your insults, spy reports, and bullying? After this long? Can’t not be an asshole to me any longer than two days, huh?
IT’S VERY SIMPLE:
-STOP LISTENING TO MY PHONE-
Please stop. And please stop making fun of me.
Did you read all the emails I sent the County since last Tuesday and the bullshit they’ve responded with? I’ve been done playing the world’s game of Seeing How Much Pain You Can Withstand While Obeying Courteously. All of them can fuck their fake-ass game where they get to insulate themselves from people saying “No, that’s a bad idea”. They think they’re immune from being wrong. I hate being alive in a time where it turns out bullies win this much.
I like Kamala- she’s been working to promote women’s healthcare and abortion and she’s not afraid to call out bullshit.
I hope you’re doing okay.
-hugs-
I still love you. Still miss you. Just very worn down over time from the demon doppelgängers who’ve persisted on BlueSky, and the spying/tracking. Would the demons persist in real life, if you saw me tonight? Are you worried about what you might do or say to me? Would they make you hurt me? Darling, why won’t you ever text me or try to communicate directly? Because BlueSky…I think you chose to use my phone number to spy on me *instead* of try to talk to me…and it’s so easy to bully me there you can’t not do it, it seems. Has BlueSky helped you, or has it mostly helped you get more pussy and be a jerk on the internet to me in multiples? I think you would do better with me in person, for a change. Being present with me would make all the internet doppelgängers irrelevant, and that’s as it should be. Try leaving all that garbage behind, because you don’t need to hide behind anything. You keep forgetting how much I love you. Do you still love me?
Do you want to see me again and make this happen?
Or not-?
You probably already know this, but I’m going to try to get on disability with Social Security. I’d get about $1800 a month of disability and I might also be eligible for SSI, so I might get another monthly $500 or so.
Part of the requirement is that you haven’t been able to work in a year. The thought of walking into a new work setting and learning new people, new structures, new processes, being under pressure to be productive and showing the bosses I’m not only performing well, but also growing and improving, jfc…it all still fills me with more anxious dread.
Please don’t make fun of me with ‘She Works Hard for the Money”. Change the setting in that video to a county library in a historically conservative Civil War racist lynching town, where so many people resent and mistrust educators, and still hate the government because of Reconstruction, Civil Rights, a Black president, and having to acknowledge that gay people exist and deserve rights. I’d like to move elsewhere, I keep considering it, because I’m so angry at this place. I’m glad the teacher Marietta schools fired is suing their asses with the GAE. I sure hope I made some good trouble at the county for that bullying and conniving library director (who I suspect is Republican and possibly never even believed Covid was a threat, from what I witnessed). Those 3 Admin biddy-buddies have largely hidden safety & security problems from the county and run off any staff who might make them look bad. They all need to fuckin retire already, ffs, they’re all older Boomers. I hope I included someone at the county she isn’t already friends with and horrified the right person. Maybe. Who knows. I hope so, because working under that shit was a mindfuck and a half. She advocates for better library pr, not to make anything better for staff, who have more demands on them now than ever. But she’s ignoring it, she thinks we should all just be grateful to even have a job (a common refrain from superiors when we’d complain about something valid). She wouldn’t even admit that libraries are under enormous pressure, in front of the people who are supposed to help us and back us up.
Hey, how come I don’t get your phone number? I gave you mine, and you promptly used it against me, handsome. I wouldn’t have done that to you- you know that. Don’t be so afraid of not having an unfair advantage over me. Balance of power isn’t a weakness or liability. One person doesn’t have to dominate the other to exist comfortably in the relationship. Having adult playtime fun with domination is one thing, but you can’t seem to keep from trying to dominate and manipulate me on the internet.
If you’re willing and able to control your urge to dominate me as a person, I wouldn’t be surprised if it would make dominating me sexually that much more enjoyable, in my opinion. Thoughts? Comments? Plans?
You nuthatch
: )
I’m not performing my life for anyone’s approval or amusement, no- not even yours.
You can’t even control yourself enough to not hit “post” or “repost” on shit like that? Right now? To me?
Wouldn’t you agree that’s some disappointing, insulting, and ugly bullshit from you that I sure don’t need?
Goddamn your impulsive will to hurt me that you keep indulging.
Talk about disabled…you’re missing a conscience, for one fucking thing. Kinda glaring.
Do you think that’s fun?
Or funny?
Are you glad you did that to me?
Do you think I deserved that?
You honestly can’t recognize assholery like that before you hit ‘post’? After all this time?
What the fuck do you want from me?
You want to just keep me as a ready victim to take your demons out on?
Again:
Fuck that noise.
You did that to me, now go live with yourself, because I sure won’t. Does Erica know the kind of awful shit you’re capable of doing?
You had one job, Lol - “don’t be an asshole to Amy”.
Nobody should have to fucking explain to you how hatefully you behave towards me.
Fuck off with your psychopathic & abusive ass, and fuck you for not controlling your urge to hurt me.
Nope.
It’s fucking stupid, and I’m not stupid, asshole.
All your smarts evaporate when your werewolf shit kicks in, you know that, right? It makes you act really stupid, in addition to really mean. Tell me, why should I keep giving any attention to an alleged grown man who’s too gross to refrain from making fun of me for going on disability because I fucking have to. What a rat bastard. Why should I forgive you for any of your pain and burdens? Why should I do anything but ignore your mean & destructive punk ass? Fuck that- you can’t do one single fucking thing for me except hurt me, you loserwolf.
You don’t deserve a goodbye-
Honestly. Come on.
Whether that’s an impression, or an accusation, or both: you’re not only wrong, you’re spectacularly off base. You missed the barn, son. You’re going to allege that about me, the woman you supposedly love, who was a 6th grade girl obsessed with Amadeus, Mozart, and all music?
Hey how would you be feeling right now if you found out some fucking asshole had been and was still spying on you in your home, constantly? Not only would I never do that even if I could, you know for a fact I’m not doing it. What makes you keep doing this to me? I’m not a Batman villain- you’re the one wearing all the costumes, & I’ve just been me. I chose the avatar I did for fun, not for real, you criminal. Who’s closer to being like a Batman villain- you or me? But why the FUCK are you so obsessed with roles, and forcing us into them? Does it feel like control or problem-solving? Because you shouldn’t be forcing me into your different molds. Put away the Creepy Crawler Maker- I know it’s fun, but we don’t do that to people. It hurts them, and it makes you act like a total asshole. Being a better person than that would help. You know better than to lash out at me because you’re scared. You’ve pretended to be several nice people who were capable of being thoughtful and kind with me, but I guess you can only do that if you’re also lying to me somehow, to feel more in control and confident about the whole thing.
Stop being a part of what’s been making my life so difficult, does that mean nothing to you?
Can’t you be good to me just because you love me?
That’s all I ever wanted to do for anybody- love them and be good to them.
If you think I’m scary and untrustworthy, that’s your own self-image you’re projecting on me. Not me. That’s what this is, so often. You won’t stop thinking I’m like you in that I’m a multi-faced liar. You know damn well I’m not. It seems like you also keep mistaking facets of my personality, my moods, and depression/anxiety symptoms as me ‘being untrustworthy’. That is a mistake, but it’s also pathological behavior and a reductive way to look at someone. Me telling you this is not me forcing you into a mold, btw, because I don’t have Cluster B behavior patterns that are actually harmful to others. How does it feel to know that the things you’ve done to me have made my mental health pain worse? Because you know that, right? You’re part of the reason I can’t get better. I’ve had a parasite I’m conditioned to not ignore, accommodate, and even please. Fuck that shit. I should be able to have privacy from people like you. I obviously don’t. Trey, fucking think about it- I have a goddamned cybersecurity professional with Cluster B pathology doing straight-up surveillance of me and my life. Can you not see how damaging that is to me and my mental health? How the fuck would you feel if you were me, goddammit?? I’m a person, I’m a woman, not your doll.
If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this.
None of this would’ve happened.
You wouldn’t keep thinking I’m a threat, then hurt me. I get hurt for no reason every time.
I’m not a threat and I never have been. You assign me an imaginary threat level, then you start dealing out pain and judgement.
Wondering why I don’t spend nearly as much time on BlueSky as I used to?
Do better.
: )
I love you.
Trey, if you can’t stop doing this same stupid shit, you should forget me.
I think you’re teasing me with those, personally.
Can’t say I appreciated the ‘Hillbilly’ bread label with the leggy podunk redhead woman on it. Since when was Brunswick, GA considered a bustling metropolis? I’m not ashamed of where I’m from, but when you claimed to be from Palm Beach our first night, I recognized it as a lie and a dodge, and briefly wondered why you did that. Were you ashamed, or something? Or just lying out of habit?
I wish there really was a boat somewhere, with you there, waiting for me.
So lovely.
I love you, and I wish that was real- not just a poetic image, not just a dream.
I wish you would treat me like I’m real,
like I matter to you.
(Comma optional)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201712/narcissist-or-psychopath-how-can-you-tell
Both- a Venn diagram overlap.
Not as violent as the extreme examples in the article, because you have more ability to control yourself enough to at least stay more covert. There’s not enough self control to keep from leaving reality out of fear, though. I don’t think you’re able to see me without those destructive delusions getting in your way. Delusions that I’m irretrievably stained and villainous, instead of being your long-suffering victim. A victim with emotional intelligence and intuitive ability, but I’m still your victim you want to dominate at all times.
You can’t interact with me comfortably because I understand what you are, and that makes you feel too vulnerable. That feeling triggers your delusions/psychosis about me. You can’t control it when you get triggered. And one thing that triggers you is *not* having an unfair amount of hidden control over a situation (which you’re so accustomed to).
I’m considering the tragic irony of a surgeon operating on Jonestown victims, oblivious to how much critical damage he and his wife had done (and will keep doing) to their troubled young son. A son who would not be a mass murderer, no, but would share character and personality traits with the ultimate perpetrator of the violence inflicted on those patients of his. How many traits did he and/or his wife have in common with that perpetrator?
You deserved better.
But so do I.
I’m not coming back to BlueSky.
Giving any attention to your accounts always equals more pain, and I can’t afford to waste my energy on that cycle anymore.
Especially when you’re still unable to recognize your own clear patterns. Even now, you still fucking lean into it when you want to hurt me. Like reposting malignant, mocking insults with several of your accounts, to *make sure* I see it, to *put me in my place*- powerless and suffering. You can’t keep your pathological drive to dominate me as a sexual scenario- THAT is what you really live “24/7”- dominating and manipulating anyone you “see” as a threat, who knows what you are.
Fuck you for being such a coward- you think you’re being rational, safe, circumspect, and keeping control over the situation by not talking directly to me…but you’re really convincing yourself to keep me shut away in my specimen box, and keep yourself out of any discomfort. Fucking gross.
Fuck off with that, and get the fuck of my phone.