God Had A Daughter

Breaking news from the Onion News Network : Evidence was uncovered 9/23/10 which revealed that God had a daughter. Her name was Tammi. Quote follows.

According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.

Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.

Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"

"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."