Letter to Camper
With school ending this week, my daughter is out there banking the academic awards. Since this is +my+ blog I get to recall that great, saucy quote attributable to J. F. K. comes to mind regarding his dating habits - thats the way I want her to treat these award ceremonies. This time two out of three isn't bad I guess.. one of them was an award for academic excellence. I was proud of that one. If you can imagine, straight A's. All subjects. All year long. She skyed it.
Alright - its the end of the year, and my daughter's teacher has this brainwave that he's going to open up something called "Camp Learned-a-Lot" at the end of the year. The kids are supposed to get a letter from their parents each day, and it will be read aloud. ..
To: Ms. Halle Y. Rentz
From: Mr. Penneyworth, Wachovia Bank
Dear Madam Rentz
I regret to inform you that your entire family has perished in a fire.
Fortunately, a one ms. Allison Rentz has agreed to take you in. You should be very grateful. Generosity is not widely known as a character trait amongst people of her trade.
Ms. Allison Rentz lives in a tall house at the end of the street. There are plastic credit cards floating in the front lawn, a white dress tied to a tree, and sounds emanating from the back yard.
You and your brother will go there today, where you will be warmly met by Allison, and her friends, who will now be your new guardian.
When you reach the age of 18, you will receive your inheritance from your mother and father's business, ATR, which has prospered. Note that you must reach the age of 18, without some... unfortunate event.. occurring.
Note also, that the Horse Lacy Galloway is explicitly mentioned in your parents final will and testament. Your horse must survive being run down by black horses, smashed in between the gates, or left in the stall by sleepy children. Should either you, or the horse meet some ... unfortunate event... we regret to inform you that the entire amount of your inheritance will be spent at the corner "mini mart" where a one mr. Penneyworth, a banker, will buy two charleston chews, and a grape frost gatorade. And then only give you half and two sips. And we will watch to make sure you don't take a big sip.
Therefore I must request, that all efforts be made to stay alive today, especially in light of the fact that you will be facing 50,000 screaming people tonight in a large stadium at the center of a large metropolitan area.
Wachovia Bank >:)