Love
No I'm talking about the other girls - I am, like, sort of involved with what - three of them? And what I can't understand right now is how I've become more or less emotionally involved in all of their lives. Maybe its just me but I'm really not that much of a flirt. One of them disappeared for the last two weeks - and I really like her - and she returned and asked if I missed her. I told her the truth. What can you tell someone who can tell you what both of her nipple rings look like in vivid detail. We said "How". So with the others, why is it that theres all this eye contact and stuff?
I have to tell you my wife has cornered the market on that. I married an Indian woman.They've got it wired . We're like, as a country, what 240 years old?They're a country - like, 10,000 years old... I think they encode it in secret in their DNA so we can't men find the answer. Lord. The kind of love they can get going, is like, eighth wonder of the world here. Don't get me started.
So I don't get it. Why the hell am I falling in love? AGAIN. Do I NEED another woman? And if that weren't enough, honestly - I don't even know who I'm falling in love ++with++. I am the sailor who fell from grace with the sea. What is going on? There certainly isn't anything +wrong+ with me. My wife is happy, I haven't done any evil (so far) and the fact that there is the scent of a woman in my life doesn't make me a sinner. I'm a sinner in so many better ways that that, after all.. So, still trying to figure this love mojo thing out..
Yesterday, I blew off the pedal of my Trek mountain bike landing a 10 foot jump. Damn cheap factory pedals. I'm running the WildHorse BMX Park Course again, without that pedal - really feeling wierd. And I don't like it, esp. when the whoop-de-doos are so frikin steep they could lop you over the handlebars in a second and I am trying to build up speed over them and take then off the tops like a top turn on a mogul. Then, something in the back of my mind clicked. This is it. Love is a 10 foot jump on a mountain bike. Love is a stack of old comic books. Love is landing the jump whether you are all in one piece, or not. Love is just being you no matter who you are, or where you are.
At this point, before I edited this post (this is 2nd draft, believe me it helps with my writing style to kind of think about what I'm writing and parse the corrections out before we publish!) - I left it with some pompous statement about how cool my family was. My mothers side, a water prospector that found the water for the napa wine valley. And I admire and respect my grandfather. He built everything we are on my fathers side - extremely wealthy but parsimonious. Land holdings on Jekyll. Stuff like that. I am also particularly fond of the fact that within my bloodline is Olympic gold medal. I only figured out all too late that the sperm banks would pay for stuff like that. Could've been paid for spankin' the monkey. Damn. Well its all the same I guess. My kids are turning out ok. I don't really care if people think I'm a nice person and I certainly don't believe that love is genetic. We all had a choice to be the person(s) we worked ourselves out to be. But I do have a cool family.
Alright so I started this post heading off to where I always go every day, to my still ever so slightly (making a shoveling motion in mid air) green broke horse . Today we get her on the martingale and lunge 30 minutes hard in the dust. So I'm sort of getting mentally prepared to do that since I've been kicked seven times - and I'm listening to my iPod and just staring down at the ground - thinking .. wtf - what is this sense about these girls. Going nuts in public spaces? Posting off on CL? Showing me their nipple rings? Damn. Spooky. Something in the water? Then it hit me. I was staring at the ground, listening to U2 - and it started to form itself out of the patterns. I looked carefully and slowly it dawned -
Its obvious really. All of us sense when somethings going to go wrong, soon. We're all safe in our homes now and the AC is whirring and there's nothing happening. But the feeling in the air. Not just wildfires making their way up to Atlanta, or the hurricane season starting two months early for the first time in recorded history. And they're working their way to someone that can keep them well. Not sure if that's me but I'm pretty good for stuff like that. Certainly not a Mr. Mom.
Thats it I thought. They want someone who can be with them when the comet hits the planet. They have the instinct to protect the children. I am fairly decent about things like that. I guess. I try, it sort of shows.
But whats the function of even thinking about how good it would be, to be with these other women? Why bother? I realized how neat it would be if my wife were half the woman this other person was. How my wife has locked up millions in a company in her stock and can't get it out because of her unfinished work (she's a DBA who wasn't able to finish our product out) - how she seems to be so completely unreactive and unresponsive (she sleeps every day at 8, out like a light). Its not her fault. I told her to take care of her high blood pressure, she refused - had a massive stroke last year. Thats part of why she gets tired. But she's cool I guess. If you can live without sex, and ambition, and all the things that make us human. All of the women are equally cool in their own way - I was wondering if somehow I could help them to borrow traits from each other... well , really my goal is to rrange things so that may we'll all learn together at once. On a slip'n'slide ... with large amounts of water based lubricants... on the front lawn (zoy) of our home in abaco... :)
So to settle the question, once and for all, if two adulterous, sinner people are worthy of each other? I think +I+ will try the love calculator. If you're one of the four women I'm trying to have an orgy with .. wait a minute, I mean that I care so tenderly about and am so nobly contemplating the precept of love... just fill out my real name, "Leslie Nielsen" or , maybe "The Naked Gun" .. :D - Here are my Results. I DARE you to verify them. You know who you are.
| The Accused | Match Probability |
| otherWoman v.0.1 ALPHA | 81 |
| The Little Lady (maiden Name) | 29 |
| Nipple Pierced Nez Perce | 63 |
| Shining Blonde Alabaster Grrl | 21 |
Conclusion: I am a horny bastard.
Comments
You understand now? Do you-
You…you finally believe me?ðŸ˜
Please tell me?
I’ve always felt there was some unspoken, unanswered, unknown grievance you had with me that I couldn’t figure out, for the *life* of me.
Was that it, darling?🥲It really did feel as though you’d grown and gotten better over time and realized some things…that’s part of why I was so upset at the turnaround. Negating that experience of ours we shared…it wounded, betrayed, & disappointed me so painfully. I’m very sorry that I had to be brutal to you in response, but this is another thing I need to explain: there is a definite pattern of behavior where you are impervious to someone who is pleading with you, crying, trying desperately to convince you of something. You have no trouble ignoring that. You have more of a tendency to respect a show of force and domination, and the combination is sad because it denotes to me a child whose tears and cries were not cared for by the people who were supposed to care- I’m thinking that child had no choice but to respect the brute force he was likely dealt. He had to follow that example- to ignore someone’s distress or dominate them as a response when you slip into emotional-anxiety-response-mode. I get it, absolutely, if that’s what is informing the pattern. I can see it being the anxiety-response to having your emotions be touched when they’d been untouched for so long, under layers and layers. I can identify, because one of my anxiety responses (as you know) is to convince myself ‘they don’t want me’ and/or won’t want me for long ‘once they find out how weird/whatever I am’. It feels 100% factual, but it’s not, it’s a rut and some of those feel like they are carved down into the earth’s mantle. But I want to point out that your higher intelligence level is (of course) super good at implementing something newly comprehended that answered a question you’d had. That’s part of why I thought you could change yourself for the better, and be happier with yourself. When you said on your Fetlife profile that you learn quickly, that was not a lie, that’s true, and hopefully it’s working out that way with emotional learning, as well. I hope so, darling.
😢😔You’re really not going to try and hurt me again? Really, you don’t mean to?
I don’t…have to be scared of you??
-or because you miss me, or love me…or a mixture of things?
The tic tac toe chicken thing is the truth. Seeing funny jokes/neat stuff, venting, and trying to cheer people up, especially people who seem like they’re in pain, is the stuff I always do on social media, that’s the default setting. That all feels fine to me, but it’s also still superficial for the amount of time it can suck away. I can take it or leave it…but that’s a whole different solar system from what it feels like to get to exchange *anything* with you there. It feels different because I love you so much. When you cut me off, it was like ‘why am I on here, if it’s going to be this way, if he ignores me’.
FYI If you’re jealous of the man I’ve been conversing with on BlueSky, don’t be. He’s a severely depressed homeless man in Colorado who’s almost lost faith in human beings in general because people are so shitty. I said something nice to him to try to help. It makes me feel better to help other people feel better. He’s troubled, but he doesn’t seem dangerous, just beaten down. I can identify. That’s all that’s going on there. I wasn’t seeking out people to make you jealous with, I’m serious- it probably looked like that, but it’s just me being me & being unable to ignore sad people if I might be able to help.
Two weeks ago I was walking at the park down the street in the twilight; it was busy and there were lots of soccer games everywhere and people walking, talking, exercising, etc. I walked past one bench by the trees and saw three young boys sitting together- they looked about 10/11 years old or so. As I walked by I realized with distress that the boy in the middle was breaking into tears. Time slowed for a bit as I walked past them- in slow motion, I saw each of his companions move right away, almost in unison- turning to him and gently placing an arm on their friend’s shoulders and back, looking at him with caring, quiet, patient faces. I was so happy he had those boys with him, who weren’t afraid or embarrassed by a friend’s unexpected tears. I thought that if he had been on the bench alone, I would have had a hard time refraining from comforting him or offering help, conflicted about intruding. I was impressed with the two boys who had no awkward hesitation at comforting their friend right away, and almost felt like complimenting them on being so kind and dear.
Can you empathize with my jealousy about your wife?
Neither of us can stand seeing the other with anyone else.
I’m alone, though. You’re married but obviously not monogamous, and they make me jealous, too. If you were me and had watch someone marry someone else, and then bring other people in, but the person won’t talk to you, even though they love you- how would you feel? Imagine that it even seemed as though you were the one they really wanted to marry. But they didn’t.
I wish I could see you, but I know you won’t ever let that happen.
You…you’re saying you’re all right to talk to me? For real? It hasn’t been real soooo many times, but then-
-all those times you didn’t know what you (might?) understand now.
But I saw that you sent it twice. That might’ve been a better idea than I thought at the time, telling you about how I’d noticed ‘the verbal double’. I was hesitant about it, worrying if I was just being stupid to hand you such a tool to use. But I went for it because I thought you’d recognize it in yourself and then possibly think more highly of my intelligence. It’s easy for me to feel intimidated by your level of intelligence, and at the same time, I’m so used to people underestimating my intelligence, experience, abilities, etc.
You’re ready to talk with me? I’m getting the message that you think you can trust yourself- and me- enough to do that-?
That would be…Oh my God.
I’ve blocked and unblocked your phone number several times. I tried replacing your name in the contact with ‘Liar’ to try and keep myself from looking at out texts. I unblocked it again a few months ago, just in case you were inspired to reach out to me. It’s still unblocked.
Do you still have my phone number? Is yours the same?
To be perfectly honest, I’m scared- but the messages from you seem pretty clear. I’ll be so keyed up and anxious I’ll be rendered speechless if you called me to talk on the phone at first😂 Are you okay to text me or write, or to just see me?
I hope I got it right.
If anyone told Gumby Screens what was secretly happening with those posts, they’d never believe it.
Is an owl on its way here?
‘Titan’ is beautiful.
: )
Thank You so much.<3
Ohhhhhh this is *excruciating*,
waiting to see what is coming…
*bites nails*
Trying not to worry about whatever is coming because I don’t know what it is.
Yeah, that’s impossible-
What if it says “see you in a few years”? Noooooooo
God, please don’t
“‘Come to Hogwarts and become a wizard, Harry Potter’…it said.”
I’m excited, even though I don’t know much of anything. I’m excited for you at getting to this new point; it has to feel interesting. I enjoyed the way you described a moment where you understood something in your new poem. It feels like there’s a lot of unseen activity & preparing happening.
The cheerleaders and you in that yearbook photo reminded me of when you sent me this-
https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ?si=olU8STNDkGkTwcDf
A long time ago were lots of songs I had to delete out of my phone library because I didn’t want to keep coming across the titles and get reminded of you. It didn’t work. Acid Rain was one of those.
Curious to know more about the eagle on Friday, & going out to play Saturday. Curious about everything, and I miss you.
I love you so much, and I hope I get to see you or talk with you soon.
I don’t know about you, but it’s so hard to keep waiting, especially since it’s possible that slightly touching each other’s fingertips feels even more intense to me now. I’m supposed to be trying to decide on 10 music artists to write down, and instead I’m reduced to this: Intending to walk/Kept in my car by Spring rain/Soaking wet for You
This feels so insane. Are you feeling it, or it just me?
You’re quieter lately, but it also seems like you’re busy. Thank you for the likes. : ) And thanks also for sending the music list around; that’s going to be fun to do, so that’ll appear soon.
I believe you but I’m soooo scared this is the most I’m ever going to get from you
Please please don’t be joking
You won’t dance with me after all?
Please don’t keep me here
I wish you were here to wipe these tears away
so hard *not* to feel like this is all there is for me
I don’t care about all their likes
I didn’t eat all day, I didn’t want anything, it was hard to make myself eat.
I know it’s crazy late I wasn’t expecting you to answer any of these late-ass messages, you need to sleep -I’m just leaving them here because I can’t do anything else.
So scared nothing is going to happen
I try to remind myself : This is not like all the other times when nothing would ever happen.
It was hard to choose just one question to ask you about all the great people on your list- I went with Bob Dylan because I sent you that song of his that I love so much on that one Sunday so early on. When I was missing you and wondering why you were so suspicious of me, and not wanting to lose you
You’re still the only man I’ve truly felt Right with, on an elemental level, in my whole adult life
Talking, or meeting? (& where?)
Or some part of it wrong?
Is it supposed to be tomorrow night?
Was I supposed to come to your house tonight, because that would be pretty awkward of me to suddenly show up over there when you’re married & all.
Dear God, if you’ve led me on again just to stab me in the back…like I asked you on your OJ post- are you sure “he’s” dead?? You can’t be unaware of what you’re doing to me tonight.
How can you put me through this, love??
*tears*
Please stop playing around with me, I’m asking you nicely- please.
I love you so much, you know that, don’t you?? What did I do wrong?
*tears*
But you’re good at ignoring tears…
I love you and this hurts
Days ago- “so scared nothing is going to happen”
Nothing happened.
If I’m so important to you why can’t I get a text or *anything* more clear than…this?
This doesn’t feel good, crying tonight after spending so long getting everything ready, being so nervous, checking in with you all day and then…..Nothing. I didn’t think I was supposed to take the Gumby cockblocking joke *literally*, besides, what about all the chimes at midnight- I….how is this not leading me on?
please just talk to me, I can’t take this anymore
I believed you, I don’t know what’s happening
Please stop hurting me I dont know how much more clear I can be
do you want me to get brutal again or something?
Why?
None of it makes any sense
Please stop doing that to me it hurts soooooo much Goddamn
I hate it
please treat me like a human being
even though I know I can’t act like a normal human being, like I was saying earlier
I’m still a real person, I swear
I hope it’s Saturday-instead-of-Friday temporary
I hope I really can still trust you
Because it’s so mean
it keeps bringing tears to my eyes
I can’t turn my back on you right now like Hal, God help me- if there is one. “I used to pray to God but I think he took a vacation.”
When I saw your Falstaff post & repeats, I thought wrong. I know you’re not perfect, but I didn’t think you were trying to tell me you were going to ghost me tonight
god it hurts
I was so nervous & excited, & now-
Please let me see you
As soon as you possibly can
please take me seriously
I need to see you and I can’t wait anymore…
Am I important enough for you to see me or not?
What could’ve happened to make you break my heart like that tonight?
Why didn’t you telegraph ‘change of plans’ more than that one Gumby joke, if there was a change of plans and not just you getting cold feet or being scared of me or just still being that mean
I can’t believe that actually happened
I thought this was more important than you did?? You’re scared of me? Somebody had to be hospitalized this morning? When did you know you wouldn’t be here?
Please don’t brush me aside & make me wait on the back burner anymore, this was so humiliating tonight, I keep getting tears in my eyes
at
all
to me
?
Where the fuck are you??
What the FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT
SAY SOMETHING
tears
You son of a bitch
I wish I could do anything at all
Will you not let me do anything but be a victim
I can’t believe this
Can you feel or taste any of the pain you’ve given me?
Is my heartbroken betrayed weeping music to your ears
WAS IT ALL A JOKE FROM THE
GOD
DAMN
BEGINNING
??????
Was ANY of that for real
How did it feel when you saw Henrietta kitty
Did it feel good to grind me into the concrete with your heel last night
GODDAMMIT SPEAK TO ME
YOU OWE IT TO ME to AT LEAST SPEAK TO ME
I fucking hate this place
There’s
NOTHING
In this life for me but pain
I want it to be over, it’s pointless, I can’t keep getting ground down over and over and watch everyone else
I want to die so bad
I’m dying every day anyway
People just get worse
and
worse
and
worse
and
It’s
Never going to stop is it
I can’t do it anymore it’s so painful it never lets up
Why did you let me down again
Please dear love
having to watch other people live
I’ll always be shut out Everywhere
Nobody will let me in
Let me in
Please let me in
It hurts so bad everywhere out here
Sitting
Praying
God
Is saying
Nothing
I have nobody, no job, nothing but this condo and what my parents can give me
So lonely so tired of being hurt and just having to take it over and over
No end in sight
thanks
is that all
It’s not everybody hurts
Everything hurts
Long low time ago
People talked to meeeeeeee
I’m never important enough to you
or anyone else
I am so alone & I can’t stop feeling this way
can’t you please do anything for me
please
I didn’t know (anything still don’t) if you wanted to stay over
my kitchen is not large or medium but I last night I remember putting some coffee filters on top of the coffee container in case if you did stay over and you were the first one up and you wanted to make coffee, you wouldn’t have to go hunting for coffee filters
that’s how pathetic I am
You can take anything in this house you want if you would please sneak in some night and tape my nose and mouth shut for me
I posted a joke about it in the guise of solving my chronic lateness but I was not 100% joking
I really wish I could get someone to do that because all of this hurts too much and I can’t keep taking it
I was so nervous and excited and happy that I was going to see you
I was 98%sure
I only had 2% misgivings because you had been so persistent in signaling that you wanted to talk to me or see me
you encouraged me you kept herding me in that direction saying yes yes I’m finally coming for you and I love you
you keep hurting me
I still love you so much that’s part of why this is so painful
what did I ever do
what
Last night is my life story in a nutshell
Other people get to depend on their loved ones
They get to have loved ones
Johnny reb what’s the price of heroooooooes?
Swan swan hummingbird
Swan swan hummingbird
Swan swan hummingbird
hush, shhhhhhh
ssshhhhhh
please hold me and touch my hair
somebody
Swan swan hummingbird
Swan swan hummingbird
Sean Sean hummingbird
Long low time ago a shadow fell over my heart because it was only Benadryl that Nex used to die and that’s so easy so cheap so available in mass quantities and you can die and never feel so relentlessly wrong and alone and unwanted your whole dumb life
it’s too easy it made me soooooo sad for them and for my old self
my old self is still here
we still feel this way
we cry alone
because we are alone
is it an emergency
because I have an emergency too
I’m here for you
it’s just so hard to stay alive all alone
especially when you get shut out of every single meaningful thing you ever wanted your whole life
you don’t want me
it’s okay
nobody ever does
if you’re at 420 fest dont you think id want to be there with you too
i know i used to work at the library but i do know how to party i do enjoy partying can confirm
just because i think burning mans overall harm vastly outweighs the good time of relatively few people doesn’t mean i am a nun
the main reason i wish I was a contemplative nun is that seeing comprehending and giving thanks for any beauty i can find in this world away from people who will hurt me is my safe place my default like the early memory i told you about when both my parents put me to bed and afterwards the night colors in the quiet of the room were beautiful to me I saw it and it was beautiful
i have 1 other memory of both my mother and my father putting me to bed- they weren’t doing that though i’d already gone to bed
They came back from having dinner w someone important and they brought my 5 grade yearbook to be signed
they saw that i had scribbled over my uglyass face
on the body they already thought was too big even though it was just puberty and at least my father should have known that
they asked me if anything was wrong
i thought I was In Trouble they almost never talked to me alone together like that and they were so serious and they didn’t hold me or put their arms on me like the boys in the park
they stood at my bedside and asked me these strange questions
i pretended nothing was wrong to ‘stay safe’
they took my word for it
that might be the only memory i have of them checking in with me like that and it wasn’t about my schoolwork or my weight
LEARN
TO
EXPECT
NOTHIIIIIIINNNNNNGG
nothing
nothing
nothing
ever
ever
ever
NOTHIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG
i dont know which letdown time has been worst
this might be it
why would you do that
all power to taylor but i think if she really knew what a tortured sensitive alienated poet feels like she wouldn’t be a powerful billionaire
you choosing falstaff now makes me think you just wanted to party without me
nothing
nothing
long low time ago people talked to meeeeee
what’s the price of heroes
Why did you ghost me again just like so many others ….
Why
Why won’t you even
How much of this do you think I can take because I’m here to tell you reserves are critically low across the board
I’m not out of reach I’m right here why would you lead me right to a cliff and throw me off
Dear god where are yoooouuuuu
“I gotta say a little something that’s long overdue/the disrespect to women has got to be through/to all the mothers and the sisters and the wives and friends I want to offer my love and respect to the end” he figured out they had a problem and he got better- they all did.
If the killer is really asleep then question: what the FUCK DO YOU CALL LAST NIGHT GODDAMMIT
Did you get a hard on to fuck with my head again, is that all it was
Nothing Nothing Nothing
I thought you meant it
I thought you were serious that you wanted to talk to me
he says nothing
Nothing
My life is Nothing. My life is a fragment of dust
that’s how much I matter to you
If you were scared of what I was going to do or say when I saw you I can predict it would only be ‘it really is you’ and tearfully falling into your arms & trying to devour each other’s faces gently with our lips
Is that terrifying and disturbing and disgusting to you
I’m not going to hit you or scold you or berate you I just want to see you, hold you, feel you, talk to you
I wanted to smile at you
just for you
not anyone else
you don’t want me anymore
I …
I was nervous too we were both nervous we were supposed to be feeling nervous because I thought we care a lot about each other. that’s how that goes when you love somebody
as soon as we saw each other nothing would have mattered
I had no plans to yell at you or cut you or hurt your feelings
you had to hurt me last night by standing me up in a complete 180- that’s what’s upsetting
love, Taylor swift isn’t singing about you and she can’t speak for me
-her new record doesn’t have anything to do with us
are you preemptively sabotaging us
i wish
to god
you would see me at least once
I love you I’ve been begging to see you why don’t you care
you don’t have to treat me like a disease
i thought you wanted me
i thought you loved me
God knows ive loved you and wanted you this whole time
I thought I was pretty clear about that
truly you are the emperor of mixed messages
why do you put on a show of caring about me online, but in real life when it comes to demonstrating any care or love you refuse to show any love to me
God sure doesn’t give a fuck about me
so few people give a damn
i thought you understood more about me now
I didn’t think you were still capable of being that cruel to me
i wish you truly knew how much I love you and that you would’ve been safe here, the person who treasures the bunny’s nutshell library is not going to hurt anybody
why did you hurt her that badly for no reason
that’s basically what I was telling you when I brought it that 2nd night & we read the silver dandelion together. that story is so personal to me. I wanted to show you what I was at my core and it’s really just a sensitive underdog girl nobody’s afraid of
Unless you act like a jerk to me and/or do something damaging to me, or trick me or lie to me etc , I’m ridiculously non-confrontational and a ‘people pleaser’, trying to make sure everyone is happy and comfy and as satisfied with everything as possible.
don’t you remember when I practically washed your feet for you? You needed help bandaging your painful toes & I was happy you were letting me help you. you said let’s go get mani-pedis & I said ‘yes, let’s’ but we never did
do you resent me for some reason?
I Love You
I wanted to tell you how I liked the waffle house gorilla drawing
Not sure if you’d rather me tell you over there or here, but I loved the facial expression, that little line on the forehead, & especially the posture with the loose arm. it all made me laugh. the cute stack of pancakes/waffles too.
Yes, I still miss you, you fool, you nuthatch
Would you feel more comfortable if we weren’t at my house?
If you’d rather see me somewhere neutral, whatever, that’s fine, I just want to see you.
I promise to be a good rabbit & not a vicious bunny
-I love you-
You’re really okay with seeing me? I hope so, love.
Tomorrow night from 7:30-10:00 at the Red Light Cafe I’m supposed to go see a live theater actual ‘Chaotic Good’ happening thing called “Joy Deficit” that a female friend/acquaintance of mine named Gina Rickiki is putting on:
http://redlightcafe.com/events/joy-deficit-monthly-live-performance-event-apr-22-2024
It looks like fun but I *wish* I hadn’t already told her I’d be there when saw the Tomorrow post- I’ll be home by 11:00 from there, but it’s a ‘school night’, is that too late? Would you rather see each other another night? Because the whole rest of the week is empty for me, & the week after that. But it’s up to you- I would dearly love to see you whenever it’s possible.
Last night I was thinking of when we were walking together to the party your neighbor was throwing. I was feeling shy because I knew nobody there. But I felt less shy than I normally would have because I was with you, and you seemed so confident. I wondered if you’d ever felt shy in your life, and I asked you if you ever felt awkward and/or nervous about going to parties or social stuff. You said you were terrified, and I was relieved that you understood something of what that felt like, but also surprised because you showed zero anxiety. I was also happy you’d just shared something vulnerable and honest with me. It flooded me, and I told you to stop walking so I could hug you and give you a kiss and say thank you for telling me that.
That nervousness I texted you about Friday night was excited anticipatory nervousness at seeing someone again who I love and is very important to me. Not knowing how a moment like that is going to go with someone you love is uncomfortable because they’re important to you, what happens matters to you. It’s hard to feel, it’s hard to sit with, but Friday night I texted that to you so you would know I was nervous too. But like I said, in those moments when you finally see them again, nothing matters but the core of how you feel about that person….especially if you are honest with yourself about how you feel. While there’s plenty of people with feuds who can’t get over differences, this isn’t like that, to me.
When it seemed like you were letting me know you’d been so anxious at seeing me Friday night, it made sense, & I was so proud of you for being brave enough to tell me. That’s such scary shit when you’re not used to it & you should give yourself credit for identifying the feeling and signaling me honestly about it. Seriously. I can identify.
I have to say that on Friday I sensed a change in tone later in the day and wondered if you were getting cold feet. It began to seem as if you were concerned about my online avatar vs my real self, and the post of the woman telling haters to back off, something about that one felt odd. So the 2% misgivings I had went “I told you” a while after midnight. It’s alright, honest to god, because you managed to tell me and I fucking get it- I struggle against that shit out there all the time and it’s a pain in the ass. It’s also a liar, though, remember that.
One problem I had as a result of social anxiety at my job was that I couldn’t absorb the praise that I *did* get there about the awesome job I was doing. Because every day going to work I felt like I was performing, and when I got a compliment on my work, it felt nice but it also rolled right off my heart because it felt like it didn’t count because that ‘wasn’t me’.
It was me the whole time, I just had/have a hard time giving myself any credit.
You’re okay to see me tonight after I get back? That’s what it seems like, just checking in and making sure you’re okay : )
When do you want to be here? Or should I post something when I get home?
I Love You
Is anything wrong?
I was waiting outside for a while but I got too cold.
Why did you take down the posts tonight?
Please let me know somehow if you’re still coming over tonight.
I miss you, I love you so much, please don’t be scared, love.
I thought maybe you might *finally* be about to stop torturing me tonight. I thought you might let me talk to you and see you at last.
OK
Enjoy whatever it is you’re doing instead of fucking my brains out and having my body all to yourself.
Looks like you’re really just over there jerking off. Thinking about doing *this* to me.
Have fun- hope it was worth it. Hope you’re proud.
I give up. This isn’t interesting.
It must make you feel sooooooooooo good.
Go cum on your wife’s face
Or are you consciously baiting, catching and releasing the same exact fish, over and over?
David wasn’t being a Christian hypocrite when he tried to slay Goliath, was he? No.
Correction on that post of yours- didn’t you mean to say Serge *wouldn’t* give me another chance?
I listen carefully to my consciousness and senses, to everything I know and don’t know, trying to bring into focus what Jesus Christ would be wanting me to know about this, in this moment, if he existed as the entity Christians believe. I’m more of an agnostic, but I believe in the worth of Good over anything else- evil, apathy, cynical inaction, etc.
What I’m getting is:
‘Amy, you have acted bravely and valiantly. You have done all that you can, and possibly more. You have fulfilled the limits of what you can do as a human being in this situation.’
Hey-
You fucking forgot to tell me this in any language during that entire conversation:
“I’m sorry I hurt you”
or
“I’m sorry I did that to you”
or
“You didn’t deserve what I did to you, that was wrong of me”
🙄I don’t know what you are anymore and I don’t care anymore, either. I just know you’ve mainly been a waste of my time and energy. I’ll laugh at your jokes here, the end. You try to fuck with me again, you’re blocked as fuck, understand? Is that clear? Can you get *that* through the granite?
One more thing- all the songs I shared, were any of them new to you? If so, can you tell me the one/s you particularly enjoyed?
https://youtu.be/8sI37BOV0pk?si=ZDsHCEh9R8Yr3ow9
Wish you’d had the avocados to come see the beautiful lingerie I was wearing for you last night. That is your loss, and it’s on you.
It’s felt like you’re angry at me for daring to show my own anger at being abandoned without a word again when I love you so much. You can’t blame me for that. You didn’t post or like anything this morning, so I thought you wanted space or something. You think I can read your mind but I really cannot, darling. I haven’t tried to talk to you much on BlueSky because I didn’t think you wanted me to. Now I’m trying to change that. I just want to see you and put my arms around you sooooo goddamn bad, you must not have a clue as to how badly I need you and how much I love and miss you. The whiplash of having my hopes built up, then mysteriously thrown away without warning is painful, & blindly navigating the emotions you keep so secret is a somewhat inexact process, to say the least. Please tell me more about what’s hurting you. Tell me more about what you need and want from me, because I don’t know, but I love you so much. It’s me, I’m right here if you want me. Always was.
I love you
The Big Lebowski Oye Como Va loop made me think of riding with you for a lovely few minutes in the Galaxie. Silent Lucidity was on the radio. It was too short, the whole thing was so cruelly short. I still feel as though the love of my life was torn away from me as soon as we connected; it hurts all the more that he tore us down the middle & left, and I haven’t seen him since. I miss him so much. I was writing about how I felt with the Aching science fair child. I found that book in a box of donations at the library and that book was so full of photos of sensitive depressed pensive children like I was, it was beyond belief. Did you feel like that a lot? Still do? So do I.
I hope not, because that feels so fucking awful. I of course don’t know what your official diagnosis is, but that fear of “it’s always going to be this way for me” is a clear, definite, and difficult feature of my illness that keeps rearing up & trying to overwhelm me. Intellectually, I know & understand that this feeling, this cursed certainty, is a false perception and part of the construct, built by damage, that seeks to run and ruin us by trying to make us believe in it. Identifying, separating out, and discarding the construct piece by piece is a shaggy, mistake-ridden process and I forget frequently and fall into believing what it says is true. That construct is excruciating. Can confirm.
My therapist used to advise me to remind myself of all the growth I’ve accomplished- even better if you physically write it out on paper, because it seems during physical writing, the learning sinks deeper and is more likely to lock in and function for you, as opposed to type/text or making mental lists. Writing it out concretely does something extra. “The results…are not perfect” & I obviously still get triggered, especially when abandoned and/or ignored, but it has gotten way better over time; it’s just one of those psych. ed. tools to try out. Using things like that against the construct still *feels* dorky and ineffective to me in the moment I reach for it and start, & it sucks, but I also *know* that when I finish I’ll feel less certain that I’m a doomed failure of person. I hope there’s a next time you want to try and see me, I really do. *I* hope you’ll try again, anyway. And I’ll make a deal with you. If you try again, and if it turns out you don’t appear….I’ll remember that you’re Not disappearing on purpose and tricking me, you’re Charles Wallace struggling against “It”. Because now that I know what’s going on with you when this happens, I understand, and I can be patient and try to help. Instead of having to guess wrongly- through hurt, anger, and confusion- that you didn’t want to see me to begin with, and that it was a vindictive trick.
And seriously: if you have any interest in the option of possibly making it easier on yourself by getting an Airbnb or whatever to meet at, I am all for it. I think it’s worth a try, love, if you are willing. I think both of us might do less needless worrying and sweating & it might give ourselves more of a chance at successfully getting there. Then afterwards we’ll have defused it and you will feel more comfortable at coming over here. What do you think?
I love you
I’ve always had a fascination with The Dark and Dangerous, I guess? *shrug*
Normal men aren’t for me. I can’t relate to them, and I find them quite boring. The people I’ve been attracted to have all been unconventional, different people in some way with very distinctive complex personalities. Shrug?
Only with a bigger nose-
*both hands over heart*
I swear:
Now that I know what is going on,
in the event that there is a no-show
as the plan plays out,
I WILL NOT BE ANGRY,
in fact I will understand completely and
WILL NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
vent any spleen in Any Direction,
least of all Yours.
Signed,
Amy
The Michael Shannon Email Read thing is also how I sound whenever I yell at myself in my head, btw, if it makes you feel any better. Living with that same presence exhorting me in my head every day sucks. Again, I promise that won’t occur if it doesn’t happen. No Judgements Whatsoever. Because now I understand what is happening, after you shared it with me.
Hell, I won’t even lock my front door, if you’d rather just come in, go upstairs, and wake me up at sunrise, instead of knocking and all. Personally, I think that would be incredibly fucking Hot but that’s just me. (Don’t judge : )
It may surprise you to know that when I first read on your Fetlife that you were interested in a fake-takedown/capture/fuck, I didn’t know that was a thing, and it instantly made me so hot, thinking about trying that.
Hope it’s still mostly dark when you get here- with a few stars still up, so lovely.
Good night : )
I Love You <3
Please don’t be mean to yourself- don’t be mean to Trey when he’s trying to beat this- I love him & I don’t want anyone hurting him. Including him.
You are not like this forever, love.
You can do anything, I’ve always been intimidated by all your different abilities, experience, everything.
You have the ability, remember.
It takes practice & that’s alright, really. And I’m not hurt at all today, I’m just right there with you.
Please tell me what you’re feeling
I love you so much, Trey.
I don’t understand what the significance of the Alison Mack repost is- I look kind of like her, but…?
Darling please don’t push me away
Please stay with me, I love you
Please don’t hide away
Please let me help you
Please let me love you, Trey
It’s okay to be frustrated with yourself, please believe me
It’s not a crisis to be frustrated with yourself
I hate that feeling when I get it. It’s hard to sit with, it’s uncomfortable AF
You want it to go away, to get rid of it, to not feel this way anymore
It feels like it’s always going to be this way
It’s Not True
You are Proof of this, right now. You’ve successfully changed things about yourself.
Not everyone/anyone has the ability, the intelligence, the intellect, the belief, the openness,
or The Heart to even accept or grasp what you’re brave enough to have accomplished the last 3 years. Only 3 years, love!!
There’s more good things to come for the two of us.
I know it.
Look at me:
I want to remind you…
I’m not famous
I’m not a goddess
I’m not superhuman
I don’t have superpowers
I don’t have Anything you don’t have
I’m just a female person,
that’s all
I met you and loved you on sight
And I still do
Before, when you would hurt me I didn’t understand why, I tried to fight back and protect/defend myself.
Now, years later, I understand, and don’t you see how it’s gotten different? You must be feeling different these days.
If you’re trying to say “Look what a jerk I was with my first post, saying you’re like a messed up cult lieutenant.”
….take note that the operative word is *WAS*.
You *are* getting better, love. Don’t let this make you feel like you can’t do anything, or that it’s my fault somehow, if it takes a few tries, this is hard as hell. Honest, I know how flooded with awful feeling you might be. I get so filled with that pain I want to die, it hurts so much.
I’ll tell you something else.
One reason you’re feeling like this is because for decades you had to shut down painful feelings like this to survive, and those feelings are waking up because you’re *growing like a motherfucker*. If you’re frustrated that you’re dealing with a tough obstacle that’s harder than the ones before it…don’t give it up. Especially when I’m on the other side of the obstacle, reaching for your hands, and waiting patiently.
I love you.
You.
It’s okay.
*kiss*
How do you feel, love? I’ve been thinking of you all day & trying to help you feel better, I hope it’s done something for you-
I still don’t know what the 3x Nxivm(sp?) reskeet is meant to tell me, sorry to be dense.
I can’t tell with the crocogator tik tok Peter Pan joke if you want me to leave you alone, or if you want to try again, it keeps going lenticular when I try
I’m so sorry if I’m being annoying, I don’t mean to
I just wanted to help you, I-
I’m sorry
Daniel tiger was you in that post
today was all for you
it always is
I went there for you, stayed there for you
all the things I write here
it’s all for you ,
when writing to that dylan guy, especially the stuff about smiles, couldn’t you see it was for you too
tears
it was all for you, I’m sorry
I know there’s a venomous snake in there, but I wasn’t expecting the Lonesome Dove Ricky Schroeder scene, trying to make you laugh & feel loved. I hope you didn’t mean it. I’m thinking this was probably matching the level of anger you have with yourself at not getting something *perfect* right away. I have that same thing- if I try something & I’m not awesome at it, I feel like a failure as a person. Do you know what I mean? Making mistakes can make me feel like a failure as a person, too, it depends.
I went to the park to walk and get some exercise, but I didn’t do that much. Kinda got derailed by this ‘children’s exercise boot camp’ group that’s there every day. Looks like K/1-4 children and a man that *never* stops shouting and yelling at them. A constant stream of army style ‘motivating’ shouting- and I don’t like it, I feel bad for those kids. Every time I come here & they’re here, I feel a nag of old feelings from one corner of my mind. At work, I once saw a father yell at & humiliate his 1st grade son at the Help desk for not remembering his new student ID#, & it made me have to run off and cry for a bit. Do you ever get triggered by things like that in the world? I know we’ve both seen things the other wouldn’t believe. It’s horrible and it makes me sad. When I put that Jerry Mathers movie still up, the poignance of his innocence in it, playing at ‘War’ & about to see something terrible, made me think of you. It’s a breathtakingly beautiful yet also heartbreaking shot to me.
But…..What happened to the Friday the 13 Final Chapter Fuck Dance & Crispin Glover running it on over??
I wanted to ask if those were for me.
I love you
*kiss*
Stained Glass,
& Bog Bodies’
??!
That’s impressive
<3