Love

I think I am going through an important moment in my life and its not really happening here with me but instead with someone else. I have somehow - don't ask me how - attracted friends with benefits. One of the most interesting was actually by mistake. She ultimately became the inspiration for really working this blog. I was a political blogger for nearly 4 years, adding to others sites... I saw her expressing sassy, acerbic comments about almost nothing in particular on her blog and suddenly realized, hey - wow - a journal instead of an activists tool. Dear diary. Today I posted whatever popped into my head to seventy thousand internet viewers. Wow. Why bother with fact-checking citizen journalist work that only helps other people with their job? Why not post here , whatever the-f-k pops into my nimble noodly and get it out of my system? So I figure, this blog has maybe one, two years tops before it implodes in its own self sanctimonious weight. Just like hers. She scares me though. Here is a recent pic. I am , in this scene, reading her blog. Note the smile.. the self satisfied smirk... the ugly horrid, quasimodo hump on my back.. oh wait a minute (gets out photoshop) there.. all gone!

No I'm talking about the other girls - I am, like, sort of involved with what - three of them? And what I can't understand right now is how I've become more or less emotionally involved in all of their lives. Maybe its just me but I'm really not that much of a flirt. One of them disappeared for the last two weeks - and I really like her - and she returned and asked if I missed her. I told her the truth. What can you tell someone who can tell you what both of her nipple rings look like in vivid detail. We said "How". So with the others, why is it that theres all this eye contact and stuff?

I have to tell you my wife has cornered the market on that. I married an Indian woman.They've got it wired . We're like, as a country, what 240 years old?They're a country - like, 10,000 years old... I think they encode it in secret in their DNA so we can't men find the answer. Lord. The kind of love they can get going, is like, eighth wonder of the world here. Don't get me started.

So I don't get it. Why the hell am I falling in love? AGAIN. Do I NEED another woman? And if that weren't enough, honestly - I don't even know who I'm falling in love ++with++. I am the sailor who fell from grace with the sea. What is going on? There certainly isn't anything +wrong+ with me. My wife is happy, I haven't done any evil (so far) and the fact that there is the scent of a woman in my life doesn't make me a sinner. I'm a sinner in so many better ways that that, after all.. So, still trying to figure this love mojo thing out..

Yesterday, I blew off the pedal of my Trek mountain bike landing a 10 foot jump. Damn cheap factory pedals. I'm running the WildHorse BMX Park Course again, without that pedal - really feeling wierd. And I don't like it, esp. when the whoop-de-doos are so frikin steep they could lop you over the handlebars in a second and I am trying to build up speed over them and take then off the tops like a top turn on a mogul. Then, something in the back of my mind clicked. This is it. Love is a 10 foot jump on a mountain bike. Love is a stack of old comic books. Love is landing the jump whether you are all in one piece, or not. Love is just being you no matter who you are, or where you are.

At this point, before I edited this post (this is 2nd draft, believe me it helps with my writing style to kind of think about what I'm writing and parse the corrections out before we publish!) - I left it with some pompous statement about how cool my family was. My mothers side, a water prospector that found the water for the napa wine valley. And I admire and respect my grandfather. He built everything we are on my fathers side - extremely wealthy but parsimonious. Land holdings on Jekyll. Stuff like that. I am also particularly fond of the fact that within my bloodline is Olympic gold medal. I only figured out all too late that the sperm banks would pay for stuff like that. Could've been paid for spankin' the monkey. Damn. Well its all the same I guess. My kids are turning out ok. I don't really care if people think I'm a nice person and I certainly don't believe that love is genetic. We all had a choice to be the person(s) we worked ourselves out to be. But I do have a cool family.

Alright so I started this post heading off to where I always go every day, to my still ever so slightly (making a shoveling motion in mid air) green broke horse . Today we get her on the martingale and lunge 30 minutes hard in the dust. So I'm sort of getting mentally prepared to do that since I've been kicked seven times - and I'm listening to my iPod and just staring down at the ground - thinking .. wtf - what is this sense about these girls. Going nuts in public spaces? Posting off on CL? Showing me their nipple rings? Damn. Spooky. Something in the water? Then it hit me. I was staring at the ground, listening to U2 - and it started to form itself out of the patterns. I looked carefully and slowly it dawned -

Its obvious really. All of us sense when somethings going to go wrong, soon. We're all safe in our homes now and the AC is whirring and there's nothing happening. But the feeling in the air. Not just wildfires making their way up to Atlanta, or the hurricane season starting two months early for the first time in recorded history. And they're working their way to someone that can keep them well. Not sure if that's me but I'm pretty good for stuff like that. Certainly not a Mr. Mom.

Thats it I thought. They want someone who can be with them when the comet hits the planet. They have the instinct to protect the children. I am fairly decent about things like that. I guess. I try, it sort of shows.

But whats the function of even thinking about how good it would be, to be with these other women? Why bother? I realized how neat it would be if my wife were half the woman this other person was. How my wife has locked up millions in a company in her stock and can't get it out because of her unfinished work (she's a DBA who wasn't able to finish our product out) - how she seems to be so completely unreactive and unresponsive (she sleeps every day at 8, out like a light). Its not her fault. I told her to take care of her high blood pressure, she refused - had a massive stroke last year. Thats part of why she gets tired. But she's cool I guess. If you can live without sex, and ambition, and all the things that make us human. All of the women are equally cool in their own way - I was wondering if somehow I could help them to borrow traits from each other... well , really my goal is to rrange things so that may we'll all learn together at once. On a slip'n'slide ... with large amounts of water based lubricants... on the front lawn (zoy) of our home in abaco... :)

So to settle the question, once and for all, if two adulterous, sinner people are worthy of each other? I think +I+ will try the love calculator. If you're one of the four women I'm trying to have an orgy with .. wait a minute, I mean that I care so tenderly about and am so nobly contemplating the precept of love... just fill out my real name, "Leslie Nielsen" or , maybe "The Naked Gun" .. :D - Here are my Results. I DARE you to verify them. You know who you are.

The Accused Match Probability
otherWoman v.0.1 ALPHA 81
The Little Lady (maiden Name)29
Nipple Pierced Nez Perce63
Shining Blonde Alabaster Grrl21

Conclusion: I am a horny bastard.

Comments

The nipple piercing girl spent the last two weeks camping near a river canyon. They got drunk and would spend their time playing a game where they would bet over which kayak would flip, 5.00 in. It was great. Definitely one of my best friends... with .. benefits?
Amy said…
Was the last Gumby skeet supposed to be for me? I don’t know what it’s trying to tell me, if so- but I like it, it’s about such a krazy-bloody movie scene, and turns it into something really sweet. No small feat.
Amy said…
Oh my God-
You understand now? Do you-
You…you finally believe me?😭
Please tell me?
I’ve always felt there was some unspoken, unanswered, unknown grievance you had with me that I couldn’t figure out, for the *life* of me.
Was that it, darling?🥲It really did feel as though you’d grown and gotten better over time and realized some things…that’s part of why I was so upset at the turnaround. Negating that experience of ours we shared…it wounded, betrayed, & disappointed me so painfully. I’m very sorry that I had to be brutal to you in response, but this is another thing I need to explain: there is a definite pattern of behavior where you are impervious to someone who is pleading with you, crying, trying desperately to convince you of something. You have no trouble ignoring that. You have more of a tendency to respect a show of force and domination, and the combination is sad because it denotes to me a child whose tears and cries were not cared for by the people who were supposed to care- I’m thinking that child had no choice but to respect the brute force he was likely dealt. He had to follow that example- to ignore someone’s distress or dominate them as a response when you slip into emotional-anxiety-response-mode. I get it, absolutely, if that’s what is informing the pattern. I can see it being the anxiety-response to having your emotions be touched when they’d been untouched for so long, under layers and layers. I can identify, because one of my anxiety responses (as you know) is to convince myself ‘they don’t want me’ and/or won’t want me for long ‘once they find out how weird/whatever I am’. It feels 100% factual, but it’s not, it’s a rut and some of those feel like they are carved down into the earth’s mantle. But I want to point out that your higher intelligence level is (of course) super good at implementing something newly comprehended that answered a question you’d had. That’s part of why I thought you could change yourself for the better, and be happier with yourself. When you said on your Fetlife profile that you learn quickly, that was not a lie, that’s true, and hopefully it’s working out that way with emotional learning, as well. I hope so, darling.

Amy said…
Are you telling me you’re watching me out of jealousy?
-or because you miss me, or love me…or a mixture of things?
Amy said…
Or that you got jealous when I came back to BlueSky?
Amy said…
Just reiterating for you that I went back to BlueSky for you and only you.

The tic tac toe chicken thing is the truth. Seeing funny jokes/neat stuff, venting, and trying to cheer people up, especially people who seem like they’re in pain, is the stuff I always do on social media, that’s the default setting. That all feels fine to me, but it’s also still superficial for the amount of time it can suck away. I can take it or leave it…but that’s a whole different solar system from what it feels like to get to exchange *anything* with you there. It feels different because I love you so much. When you cut me off, it was like ‘why am I on here, if it’s going to be this way, if he ignores me’.

FYI If you’re jealous of the man I’ve been conversing with on BlueSky, don’t be. He’s a severely depressed homeless man in Colorado who’s almost lost faith in human beings in general because people are so shitty. I said something nice to him to try to help. It makes me feel better to help other people feel better. He’s troubled, but he doesn’t seem dangerous, just beaten down. I can identify. That’s all that’s going on there. I wasn’t seeking out people to make you jealous with, I’m serious- it probably looked like that, but it’s just me being me & being unable to ignore sad people if I might be able to help.

Two weeks ago I was walking at the park down the street in the twilight; it was busy and there were lots of soccer games everywhere and people walking, talking, exercising, etc. I walked past one bench by the trees and saw three young boys sitting together- they looked about 10/11 years old or so. As I walked by I realized with distress that the boy in the middle was breaking into tears. Time slowed for a bit as I walked past them- in slow motion, I saw each of his companions move right away, almost in unison- turning to him and gently placing an arm on their friend’s shoulders and back, looking at him with caring, quiet, patient faces. I was so happy he had those boys with him, who weren’t afraid or embarrassed by a friend’s unexpected tears. I thought that if he had been on the bench alone, I would have had a hard time refraining from comforting him or offering help, conflicted about intruding. I was impressed with the two boys who had no awkward hesitation at comforting their friend right away, and almost felt like complimenting them on being so kind and dear.
Amy said…
When I said if you didn’t want to interact or acknowledge me, that would be fine, I left out how awful it would feel to me, and that’s the only thing insincere in what I’ve said. I didn’t want to tell you that because I didn’t want to hand you any more power over me to hurt me with, & I thought you’d figured that out anyway. When you didn’t say anything yesterday, seeing Pokey’s head mounted on the wall was pretty appropriate; it felt like you were gone.
Amy said…

Can you empathize with my jealousy about your wife?

Neither of us can stand seeing the other with anyone else.

I’m alone, though. You’re married but obviously not monogamous, and they make me jealous, too. If you were me and had watch someone marry someone else, and then bring other people in, but the person won’t talk to you, even though they love you- how would you feel? Imagine that it even seemed as though you were the one they really wanted to marry. But they didn’t.

I wish I could see you, but I know you won’t ever let that happen.
Amy said…



You…you’re saying you’re all right to talk to me? For real? It hasn’t been real soooo many times, but then-

-all those times you didn’t know what you (might?) understand now.

But I saw that you sent it twice. That might’ve been a better idea than I thought at the time, telling you about how I’d noticed ‘the verbal double’. I was hesitant about it, worrying if I was just being stupid to hand you such a tool to use. But I went for it because I thought you’d recognize it in yourself and then possibly think more highly of my intelligence. It’s easy for me to feel intimidated by your level of intelligence, and at the same time, I’m so used to people underestimating my intelligence, experience, abilities, etc.

You’re ready to talk with me? I’m getting the message that you think you can trust yourself- and me- enough to do that-?

That would be…Oh my God.

I’ve blocked and unblocked your phone number several times. I tried replacing your name in the contact with ‘Liar’ to try and keep myself from looking at out texts. I unblocked it again a few months ago, just in case you were inspired to reach out to me. It’s still unblocked.

Do you still have my phone number? Is yours the same?

To be perfectly honest, I’m scared- but the messages from you seem pretty clear. I’ll be so keyed up and anxious I’ll be rendered speechless if you called me to talk on the phone at first😂 Are you okay to text me or write, or to just see me?

I hope I got it right.


If anyone told Gumby Screens what was secretly happening with those posts, they’d never believe it.










Amy said…
Did I get it all wrong?
Amy said…
I hope yesterday wasn’t just another trick on me, because that would be a *problem*…
Anonymous said…
Aww man I’m worried after seeing that poem the guy wrote. I don’t know it might be for someone else he knows, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I decided to post a photo of me and my exhusband & put Significant Others in the alt text. It’s true- our relationship is platonic AF, but we’re still significant to each other as ex spouses, and visit occasionally. He went with me to see the Beatrix Potter exhibit. He’s dating a drama critic now.

Is an owl on its way here?
Amy said…
Would you be surprised to know that it took me a long time to realize your Taylor Swift posts had anything to do with me? It’s certainly flattering, thank you. I think because she’s so perfect and thin, it removed her far away from anyone I thought I could identify with. I didn’t recognize what you saw about me in her but I guess I finally gave myself enough credit to see what you were seeing. This isn’t when I figured it out, but last month my mom told me she loves Taylor Swift and that she looked like me- she said the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles, and her red lipstick reminds her of me. It felt sweet.
Amy said…

‘Titan’ is beautiful.
: )
Thank You so much.<3

Ohhhhhh this is *excruciating*,
waiting to see what is coming…
*bites nails*
Trying not to worry about whatever is coming because I don’t know what it is.
Yeah, that’s impossible-
What if it says “see you in a few years”? Noooooooo

Amy said…
Also, I thought ‘moose knuckle’ only referred to men, but I guess it’s either? Huh- I didn’t know. And you’re not turned off by that, I guess? Or the weird belly? Have I told you that a big reason I’ve never enjoyed being on top as much is because of how much more self-conscious I feel about my body and how it looks; that distracts me, and it winds up not feeling as good to me as other positions.
Amy said…
gaaahhh…Nothing but junk mail today & no mail tomorrow & I’m probably going to be a wreck on Monday, oh geez.
Amy said…
Do you have any idea how badly I’ve wanted you this whole time? It won’t go away.
Amy said…
This entire time, you’ve been in the back of my mind every day, everywhere. For the entire 6 months that I didn’t look at your Medium, you still remained. I tried to forget, but so many things reminded me of you every day, all the time. You’re still there.
Amy said…
The photo of high school cheerleaders that might be from a water damaged yearbook- are you in the background? Something about the figure in the rugby shirt with his arms folded, the set of his eyes or something, caught my attention when I looked closer.
Amy said…
I can’t tell if you’re saying that was you in the picture or not- at first it looked like Yes, but then there’s It Ain’t Me Babe-?
Amy said…
I’m so worried that you might’ve changed your mind now- please don’t change your mind on me, please😭
God, please don’t
Amy said…
I mean it looks/sounds like female empowerment, yeah, but right after asking ‘is that you?’ my mind was tuned to that question first, & it felt confusing. I’d been thinking you’d already answered that by liking the skeet about junior high, but��‍♀️
Amy said…
Just for fun, what posts of mine have made you laugh the hardest so far?
Amy said…
Thank you for the announcement and the PeepDown : )

“‘Come to Hogwarts and become a wizard, Harry Potter’…it said.”

I’m excited, even though I don’t know much of anything. I’m excited for you at getting to this new point; it has to feel interesting. I enjoyed the way you described a moment where you understood something in your new poem. It feels like there’s a lot of unseen activity & preparing happening.
Amy said…
That always feels like our fingertips just barely touched while handing each other some papers; it’s intense.
Amy said…

The cheerleaders and you in that yearbook photo reminded me of when you sent me this-

https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ?si=olU8STNDkGkTwcDf

A long time ago were lots of songs I had to delete out of my phone library because I didn’t want to keep coming across the titles and get reminded of you. It didn’t work. Acid Rain was one of those.

Curious to know more about the eagle on Friday, & going out to play Saturday. Curious about everything, and I miss you.
Amy said…
I have no idea what’s happening or about to happen, and there’s so little for me to go on, but I believe you. I believe *in* you, too.
I love you so much, and I hope I get to see you or talk with you soon.
Amy said…

I don’t know about you, but it’s so hard to keep waiting, especially since it’s possible that slightly touching each other’s fingertips feels even more intense to me now. I’m supposed to be trying to decide on 10 music artists to write down, and instead I’m reduced to this: Intending to walk/Kept in my car by Spring rain/Soaking wet for You

This feels so insane. Are you feeling it, or it just me?
You’re quieter lately, but it also seems like you’re busy. Thank you for the likes. : ) And thanks also for sending the music list around; that’s going to be fun to do, so that’ll appear soon.
Amy said…
Ohhhhhh my God I can’t take this
I believe you but I’m soooo scared this is the most I’m ever going to get from you

Please please don’t be joking

You won’t dance with me after all?

Please don’t keep me here
Amy said…
I can’t stay here
Amy said…
so scared there’s nothing coming

I wish you were here to wipe these tears away
Amy said…
i thought you wanted to really talk

so hard *not* to feel like this is all there is for me

I don’t care about all their likes

Amy said…
At least I finally ate something just now-
I didn’t eat all day, I didn’t want anything, it was hard to make myself eat.
I know it’s crazy late I wasn’t expecting you to answer any of these late-ass messages, you need to sleep -I’m just leaving them here because I can’t do anything else.

So scared nothing is going to happen
I try to remind myself : This is not like all the other times when nothing would ever happen.
It was hard to choose just one question to ask you about all the great people on your list- I went with Bob Dylan because I sent you that song of his that I love so much on that one Sunday so early on. When I was missing you and wondering why you were so suspicious of me, and not wanting to lose you
You’re still the only man I’ve truly felt Right with, on an elemental level, in my whole adult life


Amy said…
Chimes at midnight (tonight)?
Talking, or meeting? (& where?)
Amy said…
Do the ‘chimes’ mean you’re going to call me at 12:00 tonight? Or ring the doorbell?
Amy said…
Have you transformed from Falstaff to Hal?
Amy said…
I am soooo nervous right now.
Amy said…
I’m sitting outside my front door waiting.
Amy said…
Did I get it wrong?
Or some part of it wrong?
Amy said…
Are you standing me up, or did I get this wrong, Yet Again? I don’t understand why you won’t be more clear if I’m getting something wrong, after those other humiliating times.
Is it supposed to be tomorrow night?
Was I supposed to come to your house tonight, because that would be pretty awkward of me to suddenly show up over there when you’re married & all.
Dear God, if you’ve led me on again just to stab me in the back…like I asked you on your OJ post- are you sure “he’s” dead?? You can’t be unaware of what you’re doing to me tonight.
How can you put me through this, love??
*tears*
Please stop playing around with me, I’m asking you nicely- please.
I love you so much, you know that, don’t you?? What did I do wrong?
*tears*
But you’re good at ignoring tears…
Amy said…
….am I getting punished for getting a puzzle wrong….or for not posting what you want me to post, or…?
I love you and this hurts
Amy said…

Days ago- “so scared nothing is going to happen”

Nothing happened.

If I’m so important to you why can’t I get a text or *anything* more clear than…this?
This doesn’t feel good, crying tonight after spending so long getting everything ready, being so nervous, checking in with you all day and then…..Nothing. I didn’t think I was supposed to take the Gumby cockblocking joke *literally*, besides, what about all the chimes at midnight- I….how is this not leading me on?

please just talk to me, I can’t take this anymore


I believed you, I don’t know what’s happening




Amy said…
Were you sitting at your house the whole time with her from 11:30 til???, checking your phone & not taking me seriously? “She’ll be fine”? This makes me feel so disappointed sad & betrayed, I have had more than enough of that already I can’t
Please stop hurting me I dont know how much more clear I can be
do you want me to get brutal again or something?
Why?
None of it makes any sense
Please stop doing that to me it hurts soooooo much Goddamn
Amy said…
This is not a joke to me

I hate it
Anonymous said…
‘Learn to expect Nothing’, I should have that tattooed on the back of my hand to remind me
Amy said…
I thought you were telling me the truth

please treat me like a human being

even though I know I can’t act like a normal human being, like I was saying earlier

I’m still a real person, I swear


Amy said…
I hope this really is temporary
I hope it’s Saturday-instead-of-Friday temporary
I hope I really can still trust you
Amy said…
I wish I could turn my back on you for doing this to me

Because it’s so mean

it keeps bringing tears to my eyes


I can’t turn my back on you right now like Hal, God help me- if there is one. “I used to pray to God but I think he took a vacation.”
When I saw your Falstaff post & repeats, I thought wrong. I know you’re not perfect, but I didn’t think you were trying to tell me you were going to ghost me tonight
god it hurts
I was so nervous & excited, & now-

Please let me see you
As soon as you possibly can

please take me seriously

I need to see you and I can’t wait anymore…
Am I important enough for you to see me or not?
What could’ve happened to make you break my heart like that tonight?
Why didn’t you telegraph ‘change of plans’ more than that one Gumby joke, if there was a change of plans and not just you getting cold feet or being scared of me or just still being that mean


Amy said…
I wasn’t supposed to be trying to go to sleep alone again in my nice fresh-sheets-bed tonight

I can’t believe that actually happened

I thought this was more important than you did?? You’re scared of me? Somebody had to be hospitalized this morning? When did you know you wouldn’t be here?

Please don’t brush me aside & make me wait on the back burner anymore, this was so humiliating tonight, I keep getting tears in my eyes
Anonymous said…
Jesus- can you say anything

at


all

to me
?

Where the fuck are you??

What the FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

SAY SOMETHING

tears


You son of a bitch
Anonymous said…
I wish I could make you feel this way
I wish I could do anything at all
Will you not let me do anything but be a victim

I can’t believe this

Anonymous said…
I guess the may 4 dua lipa thing is just going to be about her & had nothing to do with me. Did you just want to spend this weekend listening to your new record & cutting out my heart with a can lid you found

Can you feel or taste any of the pain you’ve given me?

Is my heartbroken betrayed weeping music to your ears

WAS IT ALL A JOKE FROM THE
GOD
DAMN
BEGINNING
??????

Was ANY of that for real

How did it feel when you saw Henrietta kitty

Did it feel good to grind me into the concrete with your heel last night

GODDAMMIT SPEAK TO ME

YOU OWE IT TO ME to AT LEAST SPEAK TO ME

I fucking hate this place

There’s

NOTHING

In this life for me but pain

I want it to be over, it’s pointless, I can’t keep getting ground down over and over and watch everyone else

I want to die so bad
I’m dying every day anyway
People just get worse
and
worse
and
worse
and
It’s
Never going to stop is it

Anonymous said…
I’ve tried so hard every day but my life will never stop being a lonely pathetic joke
I can’t do it anymore it’s so painful it never lets up
Why did you let me down again
Please dear love
Anonymous said…
I’ll always be trapped in this ghost world,
having to watch other people live
I’ll always be shut out Everywhere
Nobody will let me in
Let me in
Please let me in
It hurts so bad everywhere out here
Look at me said…
Sitting target
Sitting
Praying
God
Is saying
Nothing
Anonymous said…
Think about it , what do I have to live for?

I have nobody, no job, nothing but this condo and what my parents can give me

So lonely so tired of being hurt and just having to take it over and over

No end in sight
Anonymous said…
‘happy weekend’


thanks


is that all
Anonymous said…
all my choices keep vaporizing as soon as I reach for them, opportunities take off in the opposite direction as soon as I make eye contact, I don’t have anything left, do you hear me, do you hear my words dear love dear God please take this life of hurt away
Amy said…
Correction for REM

It’s not everybody hurts
Everything hurts
Amy said…
Swan swan hummingbird

Long low time ago

People talked to meeeeeeee
Amy said…
I’ve walked that path a hundred ninety long low time ago people talk to me

I’m never important enough to you

or anyone else

I am so alone & I can’t stop feeling this way

can’t you please do anything for me

please
Do you remember me said…
Last night I was trying to think of things I hadn’t thought of yet

I didn’t know (anything still don’t) if you wanted to stay over

my kitchen is not large or medium but I last night I remember putting some coffee filters on top of the coffee container in case if you did stay over and you were the first one up and you wanted to make coffee, you wouldn’t have to go hunting for coffee filters

that’s how pathetic I am

You can take anything in this house you want if you would please sneak in some night and tape my nose and mouth shut for me

I posted a joke about it in the guise of solving my chronic lateness but I was not 100% joking
I really wish I could get someone to do that because all of this hurts too much and I can’t keep taking it
Anonymous said…








I was so nervous and excited and happy that I was going to see you

I was 98%sure


I only had 2% misgivings because you had been so persistent in signaling that you wanted to talk to me or see me
you encouraged me you kept herding me in that direction saying yes yes I’m finally coming for you and I love you
you keep hurting me


I still love you so much that’s part of why this is so painful

what did I ever do

what

Last night is my life story in a nutshell

Other people get to depend on their loved ones

They get to have loved ones
No one said…
help me please help me please help me

Johnny reb what’s the price of heroooooooes?

Swan swan hummingbird

Swan swan hummingbird

Swan swan hummingbird

hush, shhhhhhh
ssshhhhhh

please hold me and touch my hair

somebody

Swan swan hummingbird

Swan swan hummingbird

Sean Sean hummingbird

Long low time ago a shadow fell over my heart because it was only Benadryl that Nex used to die and that’s so easy so cheap so available in mass quantities and you can die and never feel so relentlessly wrong and alone and unwanted your whole dumb life
it’s too easy it made me soooooo sad for them and for my old self

my old self is still here
we still feel this way
we cry alone
because we are alone
??? said…
was it just an emergency 420 fest vip party

is it an emergency


because I have an emergency too

I’m here for you

it’s just so hard to stay alive all alone

especially when you get shut out of every single meaningful thing you ever wanted your whole life
Anonymous said…
https://youtu.be/V0--emrNth8?si=91Y2GtGEqjNoyvNi


you don’t want me


it’s okay


nobody ever does
- said…
I have so much nothing to live for
0 said…
please stop making me feel like taking my own life to stop the pain

i dont know which letdown time has been worst

this might be it

why would you do that

all power to taylor but i think if she really knew what a tortured sensitive alienated poet feels like she wouldn’t be a powerful billionaire

you choosing falstaff now makes me think you just wanted to party without me

nothing

nothing

long low time ago people talked to meeeeee

what’s the price of heroes

n/a said…
There’s some really nice people over there….but this is still making me feel like complete shit

Why did you ghost me again just like so many others ….

Why

Why won’t you even
0 said…
Please talk to me, don’t be scared of me I’m not going to punch you in the throat
How much of this do you think I can take because I’m here to tell you reserves are critically low across the board
I don’t care said…
Do you think it’s hopeless to see me again is that what the windmill meant, Mr teacher sir

I’m not out of reach I’m right here why would you lead me right to a cliff and throw me off
Dear god where are yoooouuuuu

_ said…
Feels like matching bricks of lead have replaced my brain and my heart

“I gotta say a little something that’s long overdue/the disrespect to women has got to be through/to all the mothers and the sisters and the wives and friends I want to offer my love and respect to the end” he figured out they had a problem and he got better- they all did.

If the killer is really asleep then question: what the FUCK DO YOU CALL LAST NIGHT GODDAMMIT

Did you get a hard on to fuck with my head again, is that all it was
Nothing said…
Some other better sidepiece cross your path Thursday morning
Nothing said…
Please explain to me what I have to live for besides reframing from hurting my parents my brother and a handful of other people

Nothing Nothing Nothing

I thought you meant it

I thought you were serious that you wanted to talk to me

he says nothing

Nothing

My life is Nothing. My life is a fragment of dust
that’s how much I matter to you

* said…
you did this on purpose because you were afraid to talk to me ?

I was nervous too we were both nervous we were supposed to be feeling nervous because I thought we care a lot about each other. that’s how that goes when you love somebody
as soon as we saw each other nothing would have mattered
I had no plans to yell at you or cut you or hurt your feelings

you had to hurt me last night by standing me up in a complete 180- that’s what’s upsetting

love, Taylor swift isn’t singing about you and she can’t speak for me

-her new record doesn’t have anything to do with us

are you preemptively sabotaging us

i wish

to god

you would see me at least once

I love you I’ve been begging to see you why don’t you care


you don’t have to treat me like a disease







Anonymous said…

i thought you wanted me
i thought you loved me

God knows ive loved you and wanted you this whole time
I thought I was pretty clear about that
truly you are the emperor of mixed messages
why do you put on a show of caring about me online, but in real life when it comes to demonstrating any care or love you refuse to show any love to me
God sure doesn’t give a fuck about me
so few people give a damn
i thought you understood more about me now
I didn’t think you were still capable of being that cruel to me
i wish you truly knew how much I love you and that you would’ve been safe here, the person who treasures the bunny’s nutshell library is not going to hurt anybody
why did you hurt her that badly for no reason








* said…
did you know the bunny’s nutshell library is me

that’s basically what I was telling you when I brought it that 2nd night & we read the silver dandelion together. that story is so personal to me. I wanted to show you what I was at my core and it’s really just a sensitive underdog girl nobody’s afraid of
Unless you act like a jerk to me and/or do something damaging to me, or trick me or lie to me etc , I’m ridiculously non-confrontational and a ‘people pleaser’, trying to make sure everyone is happy and comfy and as satisfied with everything as possible.

don’t you remember when I practically washed your feet for you? You needed help bandaging your painful toes & I was happy you were letting me help you. you said let’s go get mani-pedis & I said ‘yes, let’s’ but we never did

do you resent me for some reason?


Amy said…
i hope you aren’t affronted by my avocado silliness- but thanks also for the likes.
I Love You
I wanted to tell you how I liked the waffle house gorilla drawing
Not sure if you’d rather me tell you over there or here, but I loved the facial expression, that little line on the forehead, & especially the posture with the loose arm. it all made me laugh. the cute stack of pancakes/waffles too.
Yes, I still miss you, you fool, you nuthatch
Would you feel more comfortable if we weren’t at my house?
If you’d rather see me somewhere neutral, whatever, that’s fine, I just want to see you.
I promise to be a good rabbit & not a vicious bunny
Amy said…
I was so happy to see your posts today : ) Thank you.
-I love you-
You’re really okay with seeing me? I hope so, love.
Tomorrow night from 7:30-10:00 at the Red Light Cafe I’m supposed to go see a live theater actual ‘Chaotic Good’ happening thing called “Joy Deficit” that a female friend/acquaintance of mine named Gina Rickiki is putting on:

http://redlightcafe.com/events/joy-deficit-monthly-live-performance-event-apr-22-2024

It looks like fun but I *wish* I hadn’t already told her I’d be there when saw the Tomorrow post- I’ll be home by 11:00 from there, but it’s a ‘school night’, is that too late? Would you rather see each other another night? Because the whole rest of the week is empty for me, & the week after that. But it’s up to you- I would dearly love to see you whenever it’s possible.

Last night I was thinking of when we were walking together to the party your neighbor was throwing. I was feeling shy because I knew nobody there. But I felt less shy than I normally would have because I was with you, and you seemed so confident. I wondered if you’d ever felt shy in your life, and I asked you if you ever felt awkward and/or nervous about going to parties or social stuff. You said you were terrified, and I was relieved that you understood something of what that felt like, but also surprised because you showed zero anxiety. I was also happy you’d just shared something vulnerable and honest with me. It flooded me, and I told you to stop walking so I could hug you and give you a kiss and say thank you for telling me that.

That nervousness I texted you about Friday night was excited anticipatory nervousness at seeing someone again who I love and is very important to me. Not knowing how a moment like that is going to go with someone you love is uncomfortable because they’re important to you, what happens matters to you. It’s hard to feel, it’s hard to sit with, but Friday night I texted that to you so you would know I was nervous too. But like I said, in those moments when you finally see them again, nothing matters but the core of how you feel about that person….especially if you are honest with yourself about how you feel. While there’s plenty of people with feuds who can’t get over differences, this isn’t like that, to me.
When it seemed like you were letting me know you’d been so anxious at seeing me Friday night, it made sense, & I was so proud of you for being brave enough to tell me. That’s such scary shit when you’re not used to it & you should give yourself credit for identifying the feeling and signaling me honestly about it. Seriously. I can identify.
I have to say that on Friday I sensed a change in tone later in the day and wondered if you were getting cold feet. It began to seem as if you were concerned about my online avatar vs my real self, and the post of the woman telling haters to back off, something about that one felt odd. So the 2% misgivings I had went “I told you” a while after midnight. It’s alright, honest to god, because you managed to tell me and I fucking get it- I struggle against that shit out there all the time and it’s a pain in the ass. It’s also a liar, though, remember that.

One problem I had as a result of social anxiety at my job was that I couldn’t absorb the praise that I *did* get there about the awesome job I was doing. Because every day going to work I felt like I was performing, and when I got a compliment on my work, it felt nice but it also rolled right off my heart because it felt like it didn’t count because that ‘wasn’t me’.
It was me the whole time, I just had/have a hard time giving myself any credit.
Amy said…

You’re okay to see me tonight after I get back? That’s what it seems like, just checking in and making sure you’re okay : )
When do you want to be here? Or should I post something when I get home?
I Love You
Amy said…
Are you still coming over? I’m sorry if I miscommunicated anything. I hope you’ll be here soon. <3
Amy said…
Are you alright?
Amy said…
I’m worried, love
Is anything wrong?
I was waiting outside for a while but I got too cold.
Why did you take down the posts tonight?
Please let me know somehow if you’re still coming over tonight.
I miss you, I love you so much, please don’t be scared, love.
I said…
So something happened? Because it feels like you’ve changed your mind all of a sudden. No more responding, you scrubbed lots of posts/reposts, and you can’t say you didn’t know what the plan was for tonight…
I thought maybe you might *finally* be about to stop torturing me tonight. I thought you might let me talk to you and see you at last.

OK

Enjoy whatever it is you’re doing instead of fucking my brains out and having my body all to yourself.
Looks like you’re really just over there jerking off. Thinking about doing *this* to me.
Have fun- hope it was worth it. Hope you’re proud.

I give up. This isn’t interesting.







🤬 said…
Go ahead and be as ugly to me as possible on BlueSky, or anywhere else. You want to spend your time posting your dumb passive aggressive jokes about me? Go ahead. You’ll have a fun time hurting me- that seems to be all you’re interested in doing anyway, and obviously you haven’t had your fill yet.
It must make you feel sooooooooooo good.
Anonymous said…
You’ve shown all you’re interested in is games and having power over someone

Go cum on your wife’s face
Anonymous said…
I almost fell asleep waiting for you out in the cold
Amy said…
Are you joking about Serge Gainsbourg being a zombie if he came back, or are you trying to tell me you don’t want to try to see me again?
Amy said…
I’ve been loving you and trying to help you this whole time. Can’t get anything in return but empty promises and gamesmanship. I keep getting let down. Literally left out in the cold.
Your Favorite Victim Ever said…
Are you saying that when the moment of truth arrives & it’s time to…say, get in the car and start driving over here, you’re saying you’ve *tried*, but but can’t overcome the sudden urge to show me we’re not equal and keep me eternally inferior and ‘in my place’? Or is it more just ‘fear of vulnerability’? Or both?
Or are you consciously baiting, catching and releasing the same exact fish, over and over?
Your Favorite Victim Ever said…
Why don’t want to admit to me (or maybe yourself) that you buy sex worker massages?
Amy said…
If your liking of the Christian hypocrisy post was meant to say that you think I’m a hypocrite, you’re incorrect.

David wasn’t being a Christian hypocrite when he tried to slay Goliath, was he? No.

Correction on that post of yours- didn’t you mean to say Serge *wouldn’t* give me another chance?

I listen carefully to my consciousness and senses, to everything I know and don’t know, trying to bring into focus what Jesus Christ would be wanting me to know about this, in this moment, if he existed as the entity Christians believe. I’m more of an agnostic, but I believe in the worth of Good over anything else- evil, apathy, cynical inaction, etc.

What I’m getting is:

‘Amy, you have acted bravely and valiantly. You have done all that you can, and possibly more. You have fulfilled the limits of what you can do as a human being in this situation.’
N/A said…



Hey-


You fucking forgot to tell me this in any language during that entire conversation:

“I’m sorry I hurt you”

or

“I’m sorry I did that to you”

or

“You didn’t deserve what I did to you, that was wrong of me”

🙄I don’t know what you are anymore and I don’t care anymore, either. I just know you’ve mainly been a waste of my time and energy. I’ll laugh at your jokes here, the end. You try to fuck with me again, you’re blocked as fuck, understand? Is that clear? Can you get *that* through the granite?





Amy said…
“Okay, then.” -Raising Arizona

One more thing- all the songs I shared, were any of them new to you? If so, can you tell me the one/s you particularly enjoyed?

https://youtu.be/8sI37BOV0pk?si=ZDsHCEh9R8Yr3ow9

Wish you’d had the avocados to come see the beautiful lingerie I was wearing for you last night. That is your loss, and it’s on you.

Amy said…
I want to make sure you know that my post about Andrew Tate pontificating on male sexuality has nothing to do with you. Like I said, he’s an example of a person I wouldn’t bother talking to, let alone arguing with or trying to persuade. You were dealt a lot to deal with, but you’ve never been at his level, & I don’t even care that I’m mostly uninformed on your background, I just know it. You are worlds better than he ever was or will ever be.
I love you

The Big Lebowski Oye Como Va loop made me think of riding with you for a lovely few minutes in the Galaxie. Silent Lucidity was on the radio. It was too short, the whole thing was so cruelly short. I still feel as though the love of my life was torn away from me as soon as we connected; it hurts all the more that he tore us down the middle & left, and I haven’t seen him since. I miss him so much. I was writing about how I felt with the Aching science fair child. I found that book in a box of donations at the library and that book was so full of photos of sensitive depressed pensive children like I was, it was beyond belief. Did you feel like that a lot? Still do? So do I.
Amy said…
Are you afraid that you’ll never get any better? That you’ll ‘never grow up’?

I hope not, because that feels so fucking awful. I of course don’t know what your official diagnosis is, but that fear of “it’s always going to be this way for me” is a clear, definite, and difficult feature of my illness that keeps rearing up & trying to overwhelm me. Intellectually, I know & understand that this feeling, this cursed certainty, is a false perception and part of the construct, built by damage, that seeks to run and ruin us by trying to make us believe in it. Identifying, separating out, and discarding the construct piece by piece is a shaggy, mistake-ridden process and I forget frequently and fall into believing what it says is true. That construct is excruciating. Can confirm.

My therapist used to advise me to remind myself of all the growth I’ve accomplished- even better if you physically write it out on paper, because it seems during physical writing, the learning sinks deeper and is more likely to lock in and function for you, as opposed to type/text or making mental lists. Writing it out concretely does something extra. “The results…are not perfect” & I obviously still get triggered, especially when abandoned and/or ignored, but it has gotten way better over time; it’s just one of those psych. ed. tools to try out. Using things like that against the construct still *feels* dorky and ineffective to me in the moment I reach for it and start, & it sucks, but I also *know* that when I finish I’ll feel less certain that I’m a doomed failure of person. I hope there’s a next time you want to try and see me, I really do. *I* hope you’ll try again, anyway. And I’ll make a deal with you. If you try again, and if it turns out you don’t appear….I’ll remember that you’re Not disappearing on purpose and tricking me, you’re Charles Wallace struggling against “It”. Because now that I know what’s going on with you when this happens, I understand, and I can be patient and try to help. Instead of having to guess wrongly- through hurt, anger, and confusion- that you didn’t want to see me to begin with, and that it was a vindictive trick.
And seriously: if you have any interest in the option of possibly making it easier on yourself by getting an Airbnb or whatever to meet at, I am all for it. I think it’s worth a try, love, if you are willing. I think both of us might do less needless worrying and sweating & it might give ourselves more of a chance at successfully getting there. Then afterwards we’ll have defused it and you will feel more comfortable at coming over here. What do you think?

I love you
Amy said…
I know from personal experience that when I hate on myself unfairly, it still feels true even though it isn’t - that’s why it’s hard to drop. I try to remember that when I hate on myself, I’m hating on my child self, my teenage self, everyone I ever was who had so much secret pain to deal with, and so little support to get through it. That gives me a somewhat easier time jumping off the runaway train of ‘I Fucking Hate Myself and My Life’ instead of holding on to it.

I’ve always had a fascination with The Dark and Dangerous, I guess? *shrug*
Normal men aren’t for me. I can’t relate to them, and I find them quite boring. The people I’ve been attracted to have all been unconventional, different people in some way with very distinctive complex personalities. Shrug?
Amy said…
*Kiss* Trying again isn’t waffling. *Hug*
Amy said…
Glad you liked those pictures of me because the construct part of myself that I’m not supposed to listen to tells me I look like both Charlie Brown AND The Great Pumpkin.
Only with a bigger nose-
Amy, NOT Michal Shannon said…


*both hands over heart*


I swear:

Now that I know what is going on,
in the event that there is a no-show
as the plan plays out,
I WILL NOT BE ANGRY,
in fact I will understand completely and
WILL NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
vent any spleen in Any Direction,
least of all Yours.

Signed,

Amy


The Michael Shannon Email Read thing is also how I sound whenever I yell at myself in my head, btw, if it makes you feel any better. Living with that same presence exhorting me in my head every day sucks. Again, I promise that won’t occur if it doesn’t happen. No Judgements Whatsoever. Because now I understand what is happening, after you shared it with me.

Hell, I won’t even lock my front door, if you’d rather just come in, go upstairs, and wake me up at sunrise, instead of knocking and all. Personally, I think that would be incredibly fucking Hot but that’s just me. (Don’t judge : )
Amy said…
I was hoping you’d like the unlocked door idea. : ) That option will be there for you, like me.

It may surprise you to know that when I first read on your Fetlife that you were interested in a fake-takedown/capture/fuck, I didn’t know that was a thing, and it instantly made me so hot, thinking about trying that.
Amy said…

Hope it’s still mostly dark when you get here- with a few stars still up, so lovely.
Good night : )
Amy said…
Good morning : )
I Love You <3
Amy said…
I love you, it’s alright- I understand.<3
Please don’t be mean to yourself- don’t be mean to Trey when he’s trying to beat this- I love him & I don’t want anyone hurting him. Including him.
You are not like this forever, love.
You can do anything, I’ve always been intimidated by all your different abilities, experience, everything.
You have the ability, remember.
It takes practice & that’s alright, really. And I’m not hurt at all today, I’m just right there with you.
Please tell me what you’re feeling
I love you so much, Trey.
Amy said…
You seem like you feel terrible, love. *HUGS*
I don’t understand what the significance of the Alison Mack repost is- I look kind of like her, but…?
Darling please don’t push me away
Amy said…
Just fyi I reskeeted that Steinbeck post because I just thought it was funny & didn’t get noticed first time around; not meant to message anything to you.

Please stay with me, I love you
Please don’t hide away
Please let me help you

Please let me love you, Trey
Amy said…
Just fyi, you’re my RBG & anybody else feels like some male Amy Coney Barrett I don’t love. Not like I love you.

How do you feel, love? I’ve been thinking of you all day & trying to help you feel better, I hope it’s done something for you-

I still don’t know what the 3x Nxivm(sp?) reskeet is meant to tell me, sorry to be dense.
Amy said…
You’re going to think I’m so stupid:

I can’t tell with the crocogator tik tok Peter Pan joke if you want me to leave you alone, or if you want to try again, it keeps going lenticular when I try

I’m so sorry if I’m being annoying, I don’t mean to
Amy said…
okay.
I just wanted to help you, I-
I’m sorry
Amy said…
the love I circulated on BlueSky was for you
Daniel tiger was you in that post
today was all for you
it always is
I went there for you, stayed there for you
all the things I write here
it’s all for you ,
when writing to that dylan guy, especially the stuff about smiles, couldn’t you see it was for you too

Amy said…
I’ll try to leave you alone
tears
it was all for you, I’m sorry
Amy said…
I’m sorry, I didn’t intend any ambiguity or anything, I just- all of that hit me really hard. You really don’t want to vomit me out of your life? I’m not a tiresome irritating gnat to you?
I know there’s a venomous snake in there, but I wasn’t expecting the Lonesome Dove Ricky Schroeder scene, trying to make you laugh & feel loved. I hope you didn’t mean it. I’m thinking this was probably matching the level of anger you have with yourself at not getting something *perfect* right away. I have that same thing- if I try something & I’m not awesome at it, I feel like a failure as a person. Do you know what I mean? Making mistakes can make me feel like a failure as a person, too, it depends.

I went to the park to walk and get some exercise, but I didn’t do that much. Kinda got derailed by this ‘children’s exercise boot camp’ group that’s there every day. Looks like K/1-4 children and a man that *never* stops shouting and yelling at them. A constant stream of army style ‘motivating’ shouting- and I don’t like it, I feel bad for those kids. Every time I come here & they’re here, I feel a nag of old feelings from one corner of my mind. At work, I once saw a father yell at & humiliate his 1st grade son at the Help desk for not remembering his new student ID#, & it made me have to run off and cry for a bit. Do you ever get triggered by things like that in the world? I know we’ve both seen things the other wouldn’t believe. It’s horrible and it makes me sad. When I put that Jerry Mathers movie still up, the poignance of his innocence in it, playing at ‘War’ & about to see something terrible, made me think of you. It’s a breathtakingly beautiful yet also heartbreaking shot to me.
Amy said…
Suggesting Chet was *not* meant as a jab, just so you know- just enjoying talking about Bill Paxton (who used to roll w/ Texas Art people like Jack Fisk & shit.

But…..What happened to the Friday the 13 Final Chapter Fuck Dance & Crispin Glover running it on over??
I wanted to ask if those were for me.

I love you
*kiss*
Amy said…
‘Museums,

Stained Glass,

& Bog Bodies’

??!

That’s impressive
Amy said…
The door isn’t locked, if you decide to come over later : )
<3
Amy said…
Good morning <3 : )
Happy Friday, love

Is anything wrong? I thought you’d think the silly children’s book stuff would be funny, I wasn’t trying to call you an asshole or anything, darling. With any of it. I woke up for a few minutes at about 8:00, then fell back asleep, I’ve been doing that lately, just in case you’re thinking I’m just being withholding in the mornings, it’s not true.
I love you, I don’t care for chess. I’m not smart enough to like things in a specific pattern like you- I really don’t have those smarts.



Amy said…
I’m begging you to let any remaining unfounded suspicions about my nonexistent motives rest.

I just love you and I want you. That’s all this has been about. That’s it. This was never at any time a game to me.

I love you.

Amy said…
You don’t think that post of mine is saying you’re stupid, do you? Please don’t take it that way- I just thought that AI mouse GPT thing was a garbage idea.

I love you & I miss you
Amy said…
Please, what is it? Why would you only like that particular one? Why am I considered so untrustworthy all of a sudden?

I’ll tell you- one reason you shouldn’t expect backstabbing & subterfuge from me is that I’m so unhesitant with my ‘likes’. I like it, I ‘like’ it right now- I don’t wait and save them up. I have no plan, no secret/hidden machinations, just sitting here always loving you & being here for you.

Please, love , why are you scared of me

why don’t you trust me

still

It makes me sad

can I never be good enough, or here long enough, to see you?
Amy said…
I don’t understand what’s happening today with you at all, it makes me sad- can I do nothing right for you anymore? What happened?

it’s impossible to please you


you won’t even let me try


please tell me what it was that makes you think I’m such a piece of shit person

you always make me feel like there’s something to apologize for when I’ve done nothing wrong except be here for you,
& be patient with you
& try to make you laugh
& show you I’m pissed about the same shit in the world that you are

I don’t know what is not to your liking

I’ll never be _______ enough for you, and I don’t know what is supposed to be in the blank. You keep that info hidden


If you want me to leave you alone tell me



/ said…



so I’m just wasting my time here?




nothing huh



you never had to hurt me

but you do it anyway every time


will you never tire of throwing me off a cliff while blaming me for it




all I ever did was be here for you & love you


I’m sorry if that makes you angry
Amy said…


do you hate that I love you



is that gross to you- am I gross



why aren’t you there for me when I’ve been here for you all this time



I don’t know


stop hurting me






Amy said…



enough




have fun?



do I taste good



throw away something else, too


celebrate



throw something else you used to love




that now you hate for some reason


girl bunny so scary
wtf


so scared to see me (for NO REASON)

that you’ll pretend I’m not worth shit to make yourself feel better about losing me



go to hell








Anonymous said…


https://youtu.be/D1F3yhCz2tM?si=_mhNSidf3Cq1c-H1