Love
No I'm talking about the other girls - I am, like, sort of involved with what - three of them? And what I can't understand right now is how I've become more or less emotionally involved in all of their lives. Maybe its just me but I'm really not that much of a flirt. One of them disappeared for the last two weeks - and I really like her - and she returned and asked if I missed her. I told her the truth. What can you tell someone who can tell you what both of her nipple rings look like in vivid detail. We said "How". So with the others, why is it that theres all this eye contact and stuff?
I have to tell you my wife has cornered the market on that. I married an Indian woman.They've got it wired . We're like, as a country, what 240 years old?They're a country - like, 10,000 years old... I think they encode it in secret in their DNA so we can't men find the answer. Lord. The kind of love they can get going, is like, eighth wonder of the world here. Don't get me started.
So I don't get it. Why the hell am I falling in love? AGAIN. Do I NEED another woman? And if that weren't enough, honestly - I don't even know who I'm falling in love ++with++. I am the sailor who fell from grace with the sea. What is going on? There certainly isn't anything +wrong+ with me. My wife is happy, I haven't done any evil (so far) and the fact that there is the scent of a woman in my life doesn't make me a sinner. I'm a sinner in so many better ways that that, after all.. So, still trying to figure this love mojo thing out..
Yesterday, I blew off the pedal of my Trek mountain bike landing a 10 foot jump. Damn cheap factory pedals. I'm running the WildHorse BMX Park Course again, without that pedal - really feeling wierd. And I don't like it, esp. when the whoop-de-doos are so frikin steep they could lop you over the handlebars in a second and I am trying to build up speed over them and take then off the tops like a top turn on a mogul. Then, something in the back of my mind clicked. This is it. Love is a 10 foot jump on a mountain bike. Love is a stack of old comic books. Love is landing the jump whether you are all in one piece, or not. Love is just being you no matter who you are, or where you are.
At this point, before I edited this post (this is 2nd draft, believe me it helps with my writing style to kind of think about what I'm writing and parse the corrections out before we publish!) - I left it with some pompous statement about how cool my family was. My mothers side, a water prospector that found the water for the napa wine valley. And I admire and respect my grandfather. He built everything we are on my fathers side - extremely wealthy but parsimonious. Land holdings on Jekyll. Stuff like that. I am also particularly fond of the fact that within my bloodline is Olympic gold medal. I only figured out all too late that the sperm banks would pay for stuff like that. Could've been paid for spankin' the monkey. Damn. Well its all the same I guess. My kids are turning out ok. I don't really care if people think I'm a nice person and I certainly don't believe that love is genetic. We all had a choice to be the person(s) we worked ourselves out to be. But I do have a cool family.
Alright so I started this post heading off to where I always go every day, to my still ever so slightly (making a shoveling motion in mid air) green broke horse . Today we get her on the martingale and lunge 30 minutes hard in the dust. So I'm sort of getting mentally prepared to do that since I've been kicked seven times - and I'm listening to my iPod and just staring down at the ground - thinking .. wtf - what is this sense about these girls. Going nuts in public spaces? Posting off on CL? Showing me their nipple rings? Damn. Spooky. Something in the water? Then it hit me. I was staring at the ground, listening to U2 - and it started to form itself out of the patterns. I looked carefully and slowly it dawned -
Its obvious really. All of us sense when somethings going to go wrong, soon. We're all safe in our homes now and the AC is whirring and there's nothing happening. But the feeling in the air. Not just wildfires making their way up to Atlanta, or the hurricane season starting two months early for the first time in recorded history. And they're working their way to someone that can keep them well. Not sure if that's me but I'm pretty good for stuff like that. Certainly not a Mr. Mom.
Thats it I thought. They want someone who can be with them when the comet hits the planet. They have the instinct to protect the children. I am fairly decent about things like that. I guess. I try, it sort of shows.
But whats the function of even thinking about how good it would be, to be with these other women? Why bother? I realized how neat it would be if my wife were half the woman this other person was. How my wife has locked up millions in a company in her stock and can't get it out because of her unfinished work (she's a DBA who wasn't able to finish our product out) - how she seems to be so completely unreactive and unresponsive (she sleeps every day at 8, out like a light). Its not her fault. I told her to take care of her high blood pressure, she refused - had a massive stroke last year. Thats part of why she gets tired. But she's cool I guess. If you can live without sex, and ambition, and all the things that make us human. All of the women are equally cool in their own way - I was wondering if somehow I could help them to borrow traits from each other... well , really my goal is to rrange things so that may we'll all learn together at once. On a slip'n'slide ... with large amounts of water based lubricants... on the front lawn (zoy) of our home in abaco... :)
So to settle the question, once and for all, if two adulterous, sinner people are worthy of each other? I think +I+ will try the love calculator. If you're one of the four women I'm trying to have an orgy with .. wait a minute, I mean that I care so tenderly about and am so nobly contemplating the precept of love... just fill out my real name, "Leslie Nielsen" or , maybe "The Naked Gun" .. :D - Here are my Results. I DARE you to verify them. You know who you are.
| The Accused | Match Probability |
| otherWoman v.0.1 ALPHA | 81 |
| The Little Lady (maiden Name) | 29 |
| Nipple Pierced Nez Perce | 63 |
| Shining Blonde Alabaster Grrl | 21 |
Conclusion: I am a horny bastard.
Comments
You understand now? Do you-
You…you finally believe me?ðŸ˜
Please tell me?
I’ve always felt there was some unspoken, unanswered, unknown grievance you had with me that I couldn’t figure out, for the *life* of me.
Was that it, darling?🥲It really did feel as though you’d grown and gotten better over time and realized some things…that’s part of why I was so upset at the turnaround. Negating that experience of ours we shared…it wounded, betrayed, & disappointed me so painfully. I’m very sorry that I had to be brutal to you in response, but this is another thing I need to explain: there is a definite pattern of behavior where you are impervious to someone who is pleading with you, crying, trying desperately to convince you of something. You have no trouble ignoring that. You have more of a tendency to respect a show of force and domination, and the combination is sad because it denotes to me a child whose tears and cries were not cared for by the people who were supposed to care- I’m thinking that child had no choice but to respect the brute force he was likely dealt. He had to follow that example- to ignore someone’s distress or dominate them as a response when you slip into emotional-anxiety-response-mode. I get it, absolutely, if that’s what is informing the pattern. I can see it being the anxiety-response to having your emotions be touched when they’d been untouched for so long, under layers and layers. I can identify, because one of my anxiety responses (as you know) is to convince myself ‘they don’t want me’ and/or won’t want me for long ‘once they find out how weird/whatever I am’. It feels 100% factual, but it’s not, it’s a rut and some of those feel like they are carved down into the earth’s mantle. But I want to point out that your higher intelligence level is (of course) super good at implementing something newly comprehended that answered a question you’d had. That’s part of why I thought you could change yourself for the better, and be happier with yourself. When you said on your Fetlife profile that you learn quickly, that was not a lie, that’s true, and hopefully it’s working out that way with emotional learning, as well. I hope so, darling.
😢😔You’re really not going to try and hurt me again? Really, you don’t mean to?
I don’t…have to be scared of you??
-or because you miss me, or love me…or a mixture of things?
The tic tac toe chicken thing is the truth. Seeing funny jokes/neat stuff, venting, and trying to cheer people up, especially people who seem like they’re in pain, is the stuff I always do on social media, that’s the default setting. That all feels fine to me, but it’s also still superficial for the amount of time it can suck away. I can take it or leave it…but that’s a whole different solar system from what it feels like to get to exchange *anything* with you there. It feels different because I love you so much. When you cut me off, it was like ‘why am I on here, if it’s going to be this way, if he ignores me’.
FYI If you’re jealous of the man I’ve been conversing with on BlueSky, don’t be. He’s a severely depressed homeless man in Colorado who’s almost lost faith in human beings in general because people are so shitty. I said something nice to him to try to help. It makes me feel better to help other people feel better. He’s troubled, but he doesn’t seem dangerous, just beaten down. I can identify. That’s all that’s going on there. I wasn’t seeking out people to make you jealous with, I’m serious- it probably looked like that, but it’s just me being me & being unable to ignore sad people if I might be able to help.
Two weeks ago I was walking at the park down the street in the twilight; it was busy and there were lots of soccer games everywhere and people walking, talking, exercising, etc. I walked past one bench by the trees and saw three young boys sitting together- they looked about 10/11 years old or so. As I walked by I realized with distress that the boy in the middle was breaking into tears. Time slowed for a bit as I walked past them- in slow motion, I saw each of his companions move right away, almost in unison- turning to him and gently placing an arm on their friend’s shoulders and back, looking at him with caring, quiet, patient faces. I was so happy he had those boys with him, who weren’t afraid or embarrassed by a friend’s unexpected tears. I thought that if he had been on the bench alone, I would have had a hard time refraining from comforting him or offering help, conflicted about intruding. I was impressed with the two boys who had no awkward hesitation at comforting their friend right away, and almost felt like complimenting them on being so kind and dear.
Can you empathize with my jealousy about your wife?
Neither of us can stand seeing the other with anyone else.
I’m alone, though. You’re married but obviously not monogamous, and they make me jealous, too. If you were me and had watch someone marry someone else, and then bring other people in, but the person won’t talk to you, even though they love you- how would you feel? Imagine that it even seemed as though you were the one they really wanted to marry. But they didn’t.
I wish I could see you, but I know you won’t ever let that happen.
You…you’re saying you’re all right to talk to me? For real? It hasn’t been real soooo many times, but then-
-all those times you didn’t know what you (might?) understand now.
But I saw that you sent it twice. That might’ve been a better idea than I thought at the time, telling you about how I’d noticed ‘the verbal double’. I was hesitant about it, worrying if I was just being stupid to hand you such a tool to use. But I went for it because I thought you’d recognize it in yourself and then possibly think more highly of my intelligence. It’s easy for me to feel intimidated by your level of intelligence, and at the same time, I’m so used to people underestimating my intelligence, experience, abilities, etc.
You’re ready to talk with me? I’m getting the message that you think you can trust yourself- and me- enough to do that-?
That would be…Oh my God.
I’ve blocked and unblocked your phone number several times. I tried replacing your name in the contact with ‘Liar’ to try and keep myself from looking at out texts. I unblocked it again a few months ago, just in case you were inspired to reach out to me. It’s still unblocked.
Do you still have my phone number? Is yours the same?
To be perfectly honest, I’m scared- but the messages from you seem pretty clear. I’ll be so keyed up and anxious I’ll be rendered speechless if you called me to talk on the phone at first😂 Are you okay to text me or write, or to just see me?
I hope I got it right.
If anyone told Gumby Screens what was secretly happening with those posts, they’d never believe it.
Is an owl on its way here?
‘Titan’ is beautiful.
: )
Thank You so much.<3
Ohhhhhh this is *excruciating*,
waiting to see what is coming…
*bites nails*
Trying not to worry about whatever is coming because I don’t know what it is.
Yeah, that’s impossible-
What if it says “see you in a few years”? Noooooooo
God, please don’t
“‘Come to Hogwarts and become a wizard, Harry Potter’…it said.”
I’m excited, even though I don’t know much of anything. I’m excited for you at getting to this new point; it has to feel interesting. I enjoyed the way you described a moment where you understood something in your new poem. It feels like there’s a lot of unseen activity & preparing happening.
The cheerleaders and you in that yearbook photo reminded me of when you sent me this-
https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ?si=olU8STNDkGkTwcDf
A long time ago were lots of songs I had to delete out of my phone library because I didn’t want to keep coming across the titles and get reminded of you. It didn’t work. Acid Rain was one of those.
Curious to know more about the eagle on Friday, & going out to play Saturday. Curious about everything, and I miss you.
I love you so much, and I hope I get to see you or talk with you soon.
I don’t know about you, but it’s so hard to keep waiting, especially since it’s possible that slightly touching each other’s fingertips feels even more intense to me now. I’m supposed to be trying to decide on 10 music artists to write down, and instead I’m reduced to this: Intending to walk/Kept in my car by Spring rain/Soaking wet for You
This feels so insane. Are you feeling it, or it just me?
You’re quieter lately, but it also seems like you’re busy. Thank you for the likes. : ) And thanks also for sending the music list around; that’s going to be fun to do, so that’ll appear soon.
I believe you but I’m soooo scared this is the most I’m ever going to get from you
Please please don’t be joking
You won’t dance with me after all?
Please don’t keep me here
I wish you were here to wipe these tears away
so hard *not* to feel like this is all there is for me
I don’t care about all their likes
I didn’t eat all day, I didn’t want anything, it was hard to make myself eat.
I know it’s crazy late I wasn’t expecting you to answer any of these late-ass messages, you need to sleep -I’m just leaving them here because I can’t do anything else.
So scared nothing is going to happen
I try to remind myself : This is not like all the other times when nothing would ever happen.
It was hard to choose just one question to ask you about all the great people on your list- I went with Bob Dylan because I sent you that song of his that I love so much on that one Sunday so early on. When I was missing you and wondering why you were so suspicious of me, and not wanting to lose you
You’re still the only man I’ve truly felt Right with, on an elemental level, in my whole adult life