Message from Skippy

This list was compiled by my invisible, evil twin named "Skippy". I didn't have anything to do with it. I walked away from the computer and when I came back, this was mysteriously written into my blog.

My Great Moments in life, From "Skippy":

1. My starring role in a you'd-better-wear-your-helmet skateboarding commercial. I got a big "NO" symbol drawn right over me. I went down the hill with such hyperextended style. Thank you. You're beautiful.
2. The moment I actually read someone to sleep. My voice was. Mellifluous. No, she didn't just drop the line to get rid of me. She actually fell asleep. Think. James Earl Jones. She digs me. I can tell. That whole "I hate you so much my soul wants to jump out of my mouth and run away" thing is really just her way of saying, "keep reading, this is turning me on".
3. The hot and sexy moment I succeeded in seducing a chick online. Yeah. She digs me. I think its because I rarely wear underwear. And when I do. Its. Usually. Something special. Oh. And I didn't copy that line from the film "stripes" either. She left her boyfriend for me, too. That just gives me a big hard on. Really it does.
4. My 40 year old man moment that I realized, that I am not fat. In any way. There is no unguinous, rolling , white , hairy wave of shimmering soft flab roiling its way around my midsection... just... quivering there. Eating me at night. Yep. I'm a lean, mean, cheeseburger-eatin' machine.
5. The star moment when my grant was approved and I realized that , just because I won a grant, that makes me world-class research scientist. I have written a paper that will center my research and make it all worth something. Simple applications and the grant report filing are fait accompli. Trivial. I spend hours practicing my mad scientist laugh in front of the bathroom mirror, because its just so damn scary.
6. The moment the world realized I am an activist, and my secret acceptance, won from masturbating in a coffin in front of a bunch of bloggers - while holding a skull in my hands - where I attained membership in a major political organization. I was the 97th member. I say that now, with member out of my hand but when I said it before, I was holding it proudly. I actually help with public and political issues. I can contribute a voice to the policy discussion. We call our organization "skull and blogs". I can get you in. I think. Just. Don't shake my hand. Ok?
7. The Day the secret service put me on their watchlist. Yes, I am a kingmaker. Obama is a world TV star , and I am proud of helping him get there. I want Obama to wear those star-shaped sunglasses like they do in Hollywood. Forget about actually passing meaningful single payer option healthcare, just let those cameras roll - every single day. Whenever Obama heads into his office, ABC news cameras sitting there. The whole Zen "capture the fly with the chopstick" thing he did on camera, was all part of a greater plan. Obama deserves to be the big TV , film and Rap star. Like Usher. A guy who I happened to work for at one point in my illustrious career that makes me a sought-after consultant. Yes sir, they're watching me right now - those earpieces in place. I tell you, its never boring around here. Right Obama?
8. The fathers day moment where everyone found out I'm the worlds best Father. In fact, the best dad ever in recorded history. And I am a good husband, faithful and loyal. I never do anything that would compromise the integrity of my marriage or my relationship with my wife. I make the sign of the cross when someone sends me a sexty message. I got a picture of someones tits once on my cellphone. I virtuously deleted them without spanking the monkey in public. Angels in heaven cheered. Priests looked upon me wistfully. My email client picked up a forwarded message just before the multiple message delete occurred. Oh yeah, and some girl also sent me a message that said "I love you". I was so proud I didn't send her one back. Give 'em enough rope, baby.
9. The moment I realized I am , in fact, a reincarnation of Martin Luther. The complete freedom from all drugs, like wine. And since I am such an unbelievably great Christian, I am also completely forgiven for the heroin I regularly shoot up into my neck. I am also completely forgiven for the occasional hit off the crackpipe. Hey. Lets face it, being a male gay prostitute can really wear you down. Especially those unprotected sex gangbangs they make you do in the parking lots southside.
10. The "AHA" moment that I suddenly became master of the business world. As a businessman, software developer, and captain of industry - I make all of my deadlines. Every last one. Exactly on time. And there are never any bugs in my software. I wrote it all in ones and zeroes. Except I didn't even have to use the ones. Just zeroes.
11. The moment I opened up my accounting and found I'm in such great financial shape. Forget about those guys out there at my door right now with the pitchforks and the flaming torches, carrying all those unpaid bills - they're just glad to see me. Hey I think I recognize some of those guys from last Friday night. Hi Guys!
12. The moment I realized my kids are perfect in every way. They're not emotionally scarred by years of bickering and infighting and domestic violence. They don't have nervous tic or weird attachments to articles of clothing or inappropriate emotional responses. They're just. perfect. And their roomos are always clean.
13. The moment I posed for a Japanese silkscreen print with that hot Asian wench. I think her name was "Amber". It was a worldwide global best seller. You've seen it. Five inches long. Twelve inches. Wide.
14. The day I discovered that all those "most interesting man in the world" beer commercial royalty payments in my swiss bank account.

I am the closest thing you will ever get to being royalty. I am available for bar mitzvahs, weddings, and the occasional security incident response. Rumors that I have been behind certain practical jokes involving human prosody and text to speech ... are just horrible made up lies.

Don't listen to my twin. He's a closet faggot. He's got a serious weakness for bisexual women. He secretly wants to dress up in womens clothing and go jump up and down on the trampoline with Japanese Twins.

You know. Like that thing I did in the movies, with Anakin Skywalker and Princess Amidala.

Oh yeah. I forgot. They deleted that scene. I always wondered why... Tell me. Do you think the storyline of "Star Wars, The Clone Wars" .. would have been seriously modified, if there was a hot sex scene involving Anakin, Amidala, trampolines, and a guy dressed up as a Japanese Schoolgirl ?

I pay all my parking tickets. Every last one.