His life began as a yellow flower, that elongated to a string bean. The soft minnesota rain bathed the vine in sweet liquor that helped him to grow strong. When he was grown, they named him Larry. His best friend was a tomato, and they loved to hang out together. One day the Tomato revealed to Larry an important state secret.
Larry, Do you Love Your Country? ... said the tomato. He said. Yes. Well, you've done well in school. I think you're ready.
There is a top secret group of people who are planning to destroy our country. They're going to take methos and pepsi and seal them up into bottles. Thirty of them, in thirty different cities all across the nation. They're based in Mexico.
So. Larry got on board a bus.Counting the cars on the freeway. A moon rose over an open field.
Finally he came to the border, where the saguaro catcus grew tall against the blue of the desert night sky. Ola Senor, they said. And he crossed into Mexico. And from there he went all the way to the end of Mexico, and back where he met a young woman named Sharazade. She was selling ice cream.
They became friends. He helped her to sell icecream. One day she confided in him that there were strange men entering a building ... he went in to check it out. A big scary guy jumped out and said. What are you doing here. He said. I am coming to sell you some ice cream. If you want to buy it.
Ice cream? They said. He said. Strawberry. Chocolate. Vanilla. ... They looked at him for some tense moments. Finally they said yes. Eventually the bad guys became good friends and since Larry was a great computer programmer, and they didn't know any other Cucumbers - they told him the details of their great plan to blow up America, the great infidel. They were operating in Mexico under cover of secrecy - because it was so easy to get across the border - since the border states were all republican. Texas. Arizona. They just drive right across.
They trusted him to coordinate the bombing for the great day of "Menthos"... Larry, Cool as a Cucumber... switched emails on everyone so that each and every person carrying a briefcase full of pepsi and menthos all arrived at exactly the same bus station. And boarded the same bus. The faint smell of menthos pervaded the entire station but they were ready to give their lives for Jihad. They didn't notice.
And then. When the signal was given. The bus exploded in foamy menthos foam and squished all over the road. The US Government could not officially thank him, but soon afterward Sharazade - who was really a top secret agent - asked him if he could pick up a purse for her. And open it. And when he did, he read a message that said. "Go to Iraq".
He told her. That he had to leave. He had to get on an airplane. But Sharazade said. I'm going with you. He thought he saw something in her eye. He wasn't sure. But they both went to Iraq, and he really enjoyed the flight. It was a very long flight. They arrived in Iraq and they fought the bad guys and they won.
And then he turned to Sharazade and said. "Salaam A'Lakum".. and she said.. "Alakum Salaam".. and then they both walked off to a Church nearby and walked inside and then knelt down and prayed to Mecca.