An Open Letter to Satan

Dear Satan,
Lucifer - Angel of Light, Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness, Devil
CC: Saint Peter

Ok, before we get started here - I have to ask you a serious question.

What is with you, and housecats? You let your demons eat them for snacks, and you make them yowl and cry in the middle of the night and convince our founding fathers you're talking - when they have sex. Why did you make a pain thing into their lives, that goes along with sex? Ok, I've heard it all before about how this is supposed to be 'part of God's plan'... I find it hard to believe that God alone designed the penis of the male cat to be barbed - so that the female can only ovulate when she experiences the sharp pain of it within her - that was your design, wasn't it? Please at least clear that up for me, before we get started.

Also, I would like to know - what is it about lying, that gets you off? Why is it that you enjoy telling untruths? Why would you weave a tangled web of deception instead of cut through the gordian knot, and tell the truth? The truth is always stranger than fiction. Aren't you into strange things, Satan?

We've put up with you for a long time. Do you remember your encounter with Daniel Webster, a New Hampshireman? You should. You were schooled. And we can do it again. I say this because I've reached the end of my rope with you. You're going to have to straighten up. Shape up or ship out. I'm not putting up with any of your silliness. I expect you to read the rest of this letter very carefully - it's part performance review, and part action item agenda. Are we clear? Good.

First, stop being lazy. If you are supreme evil - then do something evil for a change. Really awful. I'm sorry but your current TV News Media Entertainment ticker crawl on the bottom of our TV screen just ain't doing it anymore (well, for most of us anyway). Do something mind blowing, and epic. I have alot of training from the scouts I want to put to good use. And besides, people like me will have a running start. I will grab whichever woman I want on this planet and go live in a cave until its all over. And yes, Satan - we will be bonding together for survival. You can't scare me. I've moved beyond TV News Media entertainment. We all have. Go For It.

Second. It's time you face the facts - you're just not going to win. Even the atheists are on to you. Ever since Mick Jagger wrote that song about you - your cover has been blown wide open. And we all know you are the prince of lies... when your cover was blown, it was over. Finito. God's going to win here.

Third. Let go of the children. I see you popping them into your mouth like freshly wrapped candies. Enough. You're going to have to let the kids grow up. I'm going to teach them to use the internet in a positive and meaningful way - and I'm not going to let you sell them your usual bullshit lines - I'm not going to let them get fooled by your stupid websites, or your dumb marketing campaign. They're going to move beyond you.

Finally. I want you to tell everyone right now that your favorite song is "Clowns and Ballerinas Everywhere"... I think this is something you should admit. It will help prevent alot of really bad tattoos.

Lord of Darkness, I respect your concept that without evil there can be no good. I know that you have followers, that you're serious about what you do - and that letters such as these are really hard to respond to - with the volume of mail you've been getting lately, I'm surprised you're reading it at all. I just wanted to offer some things that I think you've been doing right. Lets start with worship.

Sex Rituals as a part of worship service. Good work. There's nothing quite like going to church on sunday, and instead of someone trying to dress themselves up from head to toe - and stand there trying to make everyone believe that they're actually this pious, holy and reverent person who will pass the plate and beg for money - to instead have them strip, and put their entire body on the line for their deity. It really breaks down the audience barrier, and makes worship meaningful. Lets hope this kind of thing catches on with the megachurches.

Trading power and pleasure for one's immortal soul, generally by the use of money. This is great. In fact, I've recently put a donation button up on my blog here - sure, I tell people that I'm trying to fund a nonprofit that will end child labor. But in reality, I believe the time has come to sell my soul. Make a donation, and tell me what to write about, and I will be your bitch for a day.

Satan, I don't know if its you or the Bank of Hades but there are literally millions who have taken your offer. Sure, there are some price variances. For example, I will table dance here on my blog for a donation of 10.00. But you, on the other hand - have bought souls for millions of dollars - while others sold their soul for convenience store items and/or bottles of wine with happy animals dancing on the label. The wages of sin are death, right? Well. Paying on time and knowing when to cut a great deal with someone are admirable qualities in business and life. I like the cut of your Jib, Satan.

Demonizing the disenfranchised. Again, unlike my blog here - that is rapidly gaining an audience in the high fives and low fours - you've taken the concept that "if they're not with us, they're against us" to a whole new level. How do you get -ized attached to your name, anyway? 'Satanizing' the types of people who would fund WWII, or any other government initiative - was a master stroke. In one move you got an entire voting bloc under your wing. The fact that most of them were already on a first name basis with you, being republicans - doesn't matter. You are a unifying force. And from unity.. comes strength. Good move.

But overall, your job performance is less than satisfying. Therefore, I am going to have to had your file back over to a New Hampshireman. If you can't get with the times, we will seek a suitable replacement, to blame for our own failings. Consider this your final warning. And if you wish to donate to help with the upkeep of this blog.. well... a little for you..a little for me, and the earth keeps turning round. Know what I mean? I might be able to make something happen for you. But that's just between you and me. Ok.

Thank you for reading this letter, I know it took some time out of your day - and I'm really happy you were able to look over these constructive criticisms. You know, rotting dead animals and feeding them to maggots - and reducing the rest of the earths garbage into dark earth - is just one of the many positive aspects of your work here on Earth. Please try to see the good things here, and the bad things as an opportunity for improvement.

Sincerely Yours,


P.S. Click on the donate button. Just for the hell of it. Leave me a comment with the donation and watch what happens. Trust me, I'll make you happy. I am trying to raise 3,700.00 for my daughter's braces. I really appreciate it. Thanks.