My E-Stalker Post

Turnerbroadcasting is a coherent electronic identity that I fashioned for myself in the open source environment of the Internet. Which is to say - I sometimes have too much time on my hands. I am not a single dad by choice. But by accident.

I hope that you enjoy what I write. If you are someone that I know - and I haven't scared you off yet - then you know that I generally tend to keep my personal life out of this blog although I have been told that when I do relax that constraint I am a little better of an author (by someone who is or claims to be an author, to which I say - thank you colorless reader).

I have also tended to try to strike at various political issues. My political writing is separate from this blog, although I will write and post here on an issue by issue basis. Obviously, Healthcare reform was a big issue for me over the past six months. The irreversible victory that will save me 10k a year - which this legislation now represents - is being met by frantic, last minute opposition - with members of various fragmented republican groups mailing each other under subject lines such as "mail this to all of your friends! we have to fight this!"...

Please know that I do not engage in such mailing activity. When I wish to focus my efforts in this regard. I work with a certain small group of people who think flying toaster screen savers and the story I had about seeing them in a shop window in San Rafael after a World Entertainment War concert - is a special little thing, you know , kind of like freshly wrapped candies or soft fuzzy little sheep - they have the appropriate sense of humor to do that kind of thing and they don't do it very frequently. I am proud to be able to work in their forum, and I leave that kind of thing to them - although I wish they'd get the message that Healthcare reform has a big missing gear. I love keeping those I pay to take elected office actually at work. .. instead of sleeping all day like housecats..

What's left is just me. A perhaps somewhat fucked up individual that likes to read Bitch PhD and dreams of having an open marriage polyamorous relationship with one of the authors. I wrote a series of posts critical of myself earlier. You could probably learn from that what you wanted as well. In three sentences or less (right). I have been described as 'Horse'. It's a running inside joke on this blog (there are several inside jokes and coded messages here as you may have guessed). A horse is pretty easy to figure out. He looks for alot of little details and can see them. But at the same time, its kind of funny how he really can't figure out what's going on. I'm a man in my late 30's (I quote my age with an error bar so that my birthdate cannot be discovered- for technowench, if you're reading this - it's a two-sigma - we're about the same age). I'm not actually single. My wife however, has left me - and has been gone for two years - and stays fairly consistent to the story she's not coming back. I see to it she maintains good and close contact to the children - and that they listen to what she has taught them - and that appropriate uncontested divorce papers exist for her signature should she ever return to the country. She sure as hell won't dress up in special clothing and spank my ass. And I won't do that to her. Which means its a dead relationship. I'm divorced.

As a single dad, I gear my day around the children. Wake at six. Get them ready for school. Then power off to a real, and underpaid job in the intervening hours and return to my home office to catch the kids when they come home. My children have been away for spring break and I miss them alot. Ok. What else. I'm an ex surfer. Which means long walks on the beach are possible. But more than likely if there are tasty waves, I'm going to paddle out. I completely suck at cooking. I make sure the kids get vitamins and other things - and they are now asking me to champion "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" - so that will be my next topic. It was also a topic that was close to the heart of my ex-wife. As is my way, I will loop back here around lunchbreak and include the link. I think its their little way of saying that we probably shouldn't be eating visiting restaurants whose nutritional champions wear clown suits and these days spend alot of time trying to convince you they're cool.

I tend to write about kinky sex. I should give you a quick description of what I think that means. I think kinky sex started the universe. Those of you who know how to build the word that means origin of life can form that word and type it into the search term and read the paper that I wrote on that subject.

I tend +not+ to write about love interests. I am probably polyamorous - in the sense that I truly can fall in love with multiple persons... I guess again kind of like a stallion I can see myself servicing multiple females. And yes, I am straight. Although I do have bicuriosities - my porn searches ended up on asian porn with some girl who had tits like a boy, and I was happy enough to just stay there. Fuck you, Thailand.

But anyway, back to the point. There is an exception to that. When my journey into the world of kink began (at age 5) I realized from an early point that it involved women (thankfully) and I believe that there is a woman who lives - who is my complement. It doesn't make sense. And perhaps her identity changes. Yes. I have a thing for Bettie Page. But if you read between the lines it's not something that I am spanking the monkey about. It's almost ... it's hard to describe. So, there is an exception to the rule regarding the fact that I do not write about love interest. And that is that whenever I feel something that crosses a carefully drawn line (my best friend says this is the line between eros and philos) I try to find a way back to a state of mind that I enjoyed as a young kid more into punk rock than anything else.

I am a christian. But I am the kind of christian that spent his saturday nights in an abandoned chapel where someone with blood on their mask - walked in holding a crucifix and led a bunch of people dressed in black up on stage. Where they ripped into serious punk rock and the floor began to turn and accelerate until you could wheel around into someone and knock them out of the ring. As a young grad student in physics the appeal of this was inescapable. One of my professors was in the ring as well. Some call it a mosh pit. Others called it slamdancing. But the appeal to me was part violence -and part - the fact that we would hook you by the arm and throw you back into the spinning circle - if you fell down. You picked someone up. This built into me a core value. Relief.

I have my own sense of morality. I do not feel Tiger is a slut. And I also have a sense of brotherly love. These are the most important tenets in my life.

I do not believe in some of the commonly held bullshit ideas about christianity. I won't go into them. Some have called me a christian existentialist. I think that's pretty close. Everything is absurdity except life in christ. I suggest we learn to love ourselves before its made illegal - when we learn? when will we change - just in time to see it all come down ... those left standing will make millions writing books on the way it should have been.

There is one person in the world who knows me better than anyone and I want more than anything to have her into my life. I think as a man I am hard-coded to want to be .. how can I describe it..? Nice? To a woman and to be honest I have a weakness for that one woman .... this is a touchy subject... how can I put it.... Ok. I saw a film called .. um... fuck. I can't remember the name. It's the one in which the man dies and his grandchildren give him a norse burial at sea? Anyway there's a scene in that strangely named film that will come back to me - where there are two men in a room. One of them was a doctor and the other the grandfather. He is dying, but he won't tell his children. They are gathering at his home and he and the doctor are upstairs. The doctor turns to him and in confidence - relates his deep sense of regret that he had never been able to win the one girl that they fought for between them. They had fallen for the same woman. And she loved them both. Ultimately she chose the other. I think, she had passionate love for the doctor - and another sort of love for ... fuck .. I will remember this film... freaking norse burial at sea... anyway... the other man. Both intense. We've felt this.

Well. The doctor asked him - why did she choose you? And he replied - that I know she loved you. But somehow. I think she realized that I needed her.

I am not sure if this really describes me. But I do try to keep a balance. I've been into Marcus Aurelius lately...

We all have a weakness. Some of them ours are easy to identify. Look me in the eye. And ask for forgiveness. Or make a pact to never speak. That word again. Yes You are my Friend.

We all have someone that digs at us. At least we dig each other. So when weakness turns my ego up. I know you'll count on the me from yesterday. If I turn into another... dig me up from under what is covering .. the better part of me.