Amberlessness

There's this person, that I swear I never met and I barely even spoke to. I think we exchanged maybe a total of five? Seven mails? One phone conversation. If that.

She told me, basically to go pound sunshine up my ass the first time I met her. And then we gradually begain to bear each others company as I kind of held onto her like the wild horse she was.

Finally we reached a strange detente. After all, she was married. I was married. It wasn't like either of us were going to hurt the people we loved. She said she wanted a psychological diversion. And in more ways that one, she was a diversion for me. We should be clear about this, I think this was like. What. three or four years ago? Maybe more.

A poly is someone that can fall in love with multiple people at once. She actually seemed like she had it all wired. The more I found out about her, the more I liked her. Of course, I didn't actually have the time or emotional strength to have a real relationship with her but I sort of gathered what little snippets she'd left on the internet. She was almost a sort of ambassador from a faraway country to me - I felt like I was sort of spying on her, even thought it was all public information. Anyway.

The whole poly concept really blew my mind. I am not polyamorous. I can only handle one relationship at a time. One of my first girlfriends was into kink, which got me started along those lines - we had a long, happy relationship - 3 years through high school. I think thats like. 50 years in dolphin years or something like that.

So I've had like, 5 relationships total in my life. Alot of kink to be certain but the relationship and the love thing, I can't do for more than one person. Period. Amber was seriously blowing my mind just standing in the configuration she was in.

And that was when my Amber fantasy started to build. I had this thing I always wanted to do with Amber. And in order for her to be a part of it, she had to be alive. And so I started feeling distantly protective of her - I would check up on her online persona(s) every now and then just to make sure she was ok. Its hard to explain. I am certain she would deny it. In fact, I bet she'd probably go for a court order. If she could. But I honestly checked up on her every now and then because a fantasy began building - of what I would do with her if I ever met her.

I should add, she is probably the best friend that I honestly never had. I would probably do anything for her. Within reason. Ok, wait. We're talking about Amber. Um. Ok. Lets just say, as long as we don't break collar. I would like nothing better than to donate one of my kidneys or something if she needed it, so a part of me could be inside her, constantly checking out her really cool looking tattoo.

Which leaves us with the unresolved question of what exactly was my Amber fantasy. Which I have been tactfully avoiding. I'm stalling, right? .... What makes you... oh. Ok. So you saw through that? You want me to tell you what my fantasy is with her. Okaay. * gulp *

I want to play mini golf with her.

Ok. There. I admitted it. I know what you're thinking. But I'm dead serious. I want to play mini golf with Amber.