To All Women: Do Not Read This Post

This post is written for my fellow men alone. I am bolting to the door at the entrance of this post a "No Girls" sign that is clearly written in hand painted, font "The Little Rascals" size 72 bold.

Ok, guys. Now that we're safe from all of those soft females - I have some secrets for you. First, I have discovered something about "Housework". It's. Well. There is this thing about being clean. It's.. fun. You feel like you are getting all of the things done you need to get done and when the laundry is all fresh and clean and the dishes are all done there's a sense happiness - this ... feeling of .. satisfaction.

You can even wake up early and instead of playing Guild Wars or Wow or something - you can head off to the kitchen and do the dishes. There's this quiet thrill when that half dissolved sandwich goes down the drain - it's kind of like defeating a level 88 sludge monster in a frostpeaks 40 man raid. It feels like. Victory.

But it doesn't stop there. Go ahead and clean the kitchen. The stove. The microwave. Make everything sparkle. Try it. Its like farming for honor with the Frost Giants. It's repetitive but you turn everything from dull into Epic.

Ok. Now. About sex. Your sex drive can disappear just like hers. You know those times when she's just not into putting on the ball gag, or being suspended from the ceiling? Ok. Maybe not. Well how about that time she didn't want to be whipped with that rabbit fur... oh. Ok. Well. Alright what about that time you wanted to make it on a cemetery bench next to a busy highway? .. ... Oh. Right. Yeah. Well. The bruises from the granite bench don't count. So. Let's see... Ok. What about that time you had that great idea to scene a public restroom... Ok. Good. Remember how she didn't want to do it that time? Great!

Ok. Well here's the secret. There are times when you don't want to do it, either. It's cool. You never have to worry about your sex drive disappearing. It will always come back. But when it's gone, take my advice. And thank god no women are around to read this. When it's gone. Get some work done. Really get into the quality of your work. A stradivarius pulses with contained sexual energy. Some guy was working with wood... you get the idea.

Now. When your sex drive disappears, its kind of like when you decide you're not going to drive to work in the morning. You can either just sit there and pretend to be sick , or you can hop on the mountain bike and feel the bite of the morning air.

Ok. Now the post about how great it feels to be bitten sometimes, I'm going to leave as a post for another day.

We don't have to let the women know that we like to be human sometimes. We're still going to whip out the manly, inbuilt and genetically encoded sense o'direction finder on all trips greater than 1 mile radius from our home. North can always be found at night - just look for the big dipper- and west is the direction of the setting sun. Don't ask for directions. Don't step over the line. We don't have to overdo this thing.

But clean the house. Seriously. You'll find that the whole "porno for women" thing that is going around now - you know, that book where there are these beefcake guys all doing chores? The ones that the women are buying? Well. All these cute softcore scenes with dudes and vaccuum cleaners or mopping the floor or dusting or whatever. It might actually be a kind of turn on. But somewhere down the road - if you just .. you know? Try it. (for example, you grab the mop on the end with the stick there). You might find that - even while all of these female she-women are saying in public when they go to their girly store and find the little "Porn for Women" book - they say .. "Oh, thats just a big turn on".. or things like "Honey, I want this book" and they will tell everyone that really is Porn for women. Ok. When no one is looking you might discover that in her actual stash of porn images? The one you have long suspected exists, but she keeps to herself? In her porn. People fuck.