Helen Scale

Love is a powerful force - it can change the course of nations - build the greatest monument and launch a thousand ships. To battle this force, we men can control the banishment of all desire, and resist temptation. We can resist the temptation of kissing her as we see her, where she stands. Because she is just so damned cute and lovable. Did she drop a handkerchief? Better pick it up. But as your eyes travel up those long beautiful legs you - fellow male of the species - do not let your thoughts stray from nobility.

But there is a problem, men. In the face of such beauty we are only capable of gauging feminine beauty on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is that chick I saw on the poster at Wal Mart, and 1 was that girl singing a heavy metal song on youtube. The one with the warts between her eyes. * shiver *

Why is this a problem? Because women have finely tuned their attack upon us - they have had years of preparation, fattened us up with girl scout cookies - then cooked wonderful dishes in adulthood. They've left little clues. Adorable. Clues. And they even wear dresses every now and then. They apply an advanced calculus of hotness to us men - reducing us to mere putty in their hands.

Within their scheming coven females have found ways to be beautiful, desirable, adorable, cute, loving, sweet, and intelligent. And far too ingenious a species (for women are a separate species, men - make no mistake) to have attained that state of the art - their best practices often weave linear combinations of the above into deadly man-melting actions - desirable and beautiful, cute and loving, sweet and intelligent, adorable and intelligent, beautiful and loving, and so on and so on. Let's not go into the details. Suffice it to say the subtleties of their approach are indeed manifold.

Which is why I humbly suggest the abandonment herein of the "10" scale. Instead, let us replace such crude assessments of the female form and person - using the helen scale. Here's how it works:

1 Helen = The Amount of Beauty (interchangeably, adorableness, etc.) Necessary to launch 1,000 Ships

So, colorless readers. The next time you see that hooters restaurant waitress. Don't say "Wow wa wee wa! In My Native Country She Would Be Perfect 9 of 10". Instead - raise your eyebrow - like this ...



And say... hmm... not bad, but needs a day job... 897 millihelens.

Gone are the old days where men just round up and guess whether or not she would look great in that dress - now you will have the military precision needed to say she most definitely would look good in that dress. Knowing full well that the crucial3 millihelens needed to turn you into a morass of melted manhood were lost against you - like an arrow that barely misses you and instead hits the guy at the table next to you and pins him against the waiter's station.

Don't be held hostage to small , underdressed men who fly around shooting unarmed people - use the Helen scale - and the next time your friends ask you if you dated hotness - you'll give them the exact temperature.

This message has been brought to you by the letters E, and R and the numbers 11 and 27 - as a public service message for the betterment of men and their Volvos everywhere. Remember, the money you save on dates could be spent on spare parts! Use the Helen scale. You'll be glad you did.